I’m prepared to lose a few with you?

Ironman

So this movie was www.thebomb.com/incredible. I loved it for a ton of reasons and we’ll go over those in a bit.

Ironman is placed as a preamble to a series of movies leading up to another movie which will also be awesome. The movies in this series goes in this order: Ironman, The Incredible Hulk, Ironman II, The Mighty Thor and Captain America. The movie that they are introducing is The Avengers.I now own all but 2 of these films. The second installment of Ironman and Capitan America are on my purchase before The Avengers comes out list. I tell you this not to boast but as a way to inform you of my nerdiness. This review will make me sound like I’ve lived in my parent’s basement my entire life, have never conversed with a member of the opposite gender consensually and call my room the fortress of solitude.

There’s this guy named Tony Stark. To put in terms that you not comic book loving people can understand he’s like the marvel version of Bruce Wayne. He’s insanely rich, crazy smart and fights crime and evil as a hobby. The difference is that Tony isn’t a pedophile that had a boy in a spandex jumpsuit following him around. Tony is the owner of a weapons design and manufacturing company called Stark Industries. He does what he wants when he wants without worrying about the consequences.

Tony also has his flaws mingled in with all of his external awesomeness. He has a drinking problem and is a womanizer as a hobby. This is why I think that Robert Downey Jr. was the absolutely ideal actor to play this role. Tony has a drinking problem, RDJ has a drug problem. Tony sleeps with as many women as will allow him to sleep with them, RDJ has used hookers in the past. Tony is arrogant, RDJ is too. I Really think that RDJ should change his name to Tony Stark and call it good. He really is the character incarnate.

Story Line!! Tony goes to sell missiles to the gov in the middle east. He gets kidnapped and placed in a cave. The kidnappers try to force him to make the missile that he was demonstrating. He decides to build a mechanical protective suit in order to escape. He escapes. He goes home and builds an even better model of the suit and plays around with ideas on how to make it even more awesome. He does. He goes and blows the guys that enslaved him to smithereenies. His Old business partner turns on him and tries to kill him. Ending of the movie happens. Roll credits. I know that the break down was really vague and all but trust me, it is a LOT more awesome than  what I wrote down here.

The reasons why I love it. It is the beginning of an era of awesome movies that all lead up to a movie that will be even more awesome than any other movie ever. The casting was PERFECT, the effects were breath taking Paul Betany is the voice of his super computer named Jarvis.

I would go into more detail on each of those topics individually but I am crazy tired and need to finish this book that I’ve been reading. I hope that you do go buy this movie and enjoy at the very least half as much as I did because it is one of my top 10 movies of all time.

Tune in next time for The Italian Job reviewed by hot sauce Mcgee. Pas afuera!

If you are a Scottish lord, then I am Mickey Mouse.

The Last Crusade

I would like to bring to your attention that this is called the last crusade because it was intended to be the last one. That is why we do not and never will (under our own free will that is. We can’t help it if it is gifted to us)own the crystal skull. It is garbage and will NEVER be regarded as a movie by anyone with an IQ or taste of any kind, good or bad.

Now that that rant is over I would like to continue with the review. Ahem. This is by far the best of the Indiana Jones movies. It starts where it’s supposed to, there is a female accessory that isn’t annoying and ends fantastically. Also it has Sean Connery. Nuff said.

in this little adventure the gov gets IJ to go on a search for the holy grail. Once again bringing religion into Hollywood. I love for the reasons that I stated previously. I would state them again but I don’t wanna. You can go back and read the review for raiders of the lost ark and find out why.

So he goes to find it before the nazis do. They start in Venice and he meets a German hottie. They find a bunch of rats in a tunnel where there’s a carcass of a knight who has a shield with important info on it. They narrowly escape with their lives and start a boat chase scene. They run into some shriners that are protecting the grail and have a little fight.

The search continues and they go to Deutschland to find IJ’s pappy. His pappy is none other than good ole Sean Connery. He was the perfect choice for this role. He has the perfect attitude and look for the part. They find out that they both got busy with the same German hottie and have a little bit of fun with that joke.

They escape but then go into the lion’s den aka Berlin. They meet Hitler and get his autograph. They get the info that they need and go to a city that has a really weird name. Then the ending happens and the credits roll. I would tell you more details about the ending but I want all of you IJ virgins to watch them so go rent them. Or ask us if you can borrow them and we’ll hook you up.

The next review will be a movie that we have no hope in called Iron Eagle. My crazy dad gave it to me and said that I’d like it. I doubt. I doubt a lot. Anyway, tune in for it.

Didn’t any of you guys ever go to Sunday school?

Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark

I like this movie in all of its Hollywood ridiculousness. Some of the stuff in it is just so silly. Like how they try to make everything realistic. Like the “don’t go into the light” booby trap. I don’t care how advanced the civilization was, there was no way that they could have developed light sensor technology without electricity. I don’t know what is nerdier, the fact that I thought of that or the fact that I brought it up.

Anyway, this movie rules. It rules because it was very influential on my childhood. I always thought that it would be so cool to have a whip and a fedora and save the world from grave robber/religious/Nazi bad guys. The woman of interest in this one isn’t very good-looking though. She does kind of fit the archaeologist profile though. Kind of man-like in her attitude, frumpy but cleans up ok. She is however completely worthless and by far the most annoying character ever conceived.

So this one goes a little something like this. A one, and a two, and a three… nothing? I thought it was a lame joke too but let’s continue. Indiana Jones is a steamy professor that teaches at a university. He also is an archaeologist that goes on amazing adventures. This particular adventure is in search for the lost ark of the covenant. One thing that I like about the IJ movies is they always try to tie religion into it. I like it because too many people regard religion as myth and these guys remind you that it’s real.

So he goes in search of it because the Nazis are trying to get their grubby little yodeler mitts on it and use it for evil. IJ isn’t going to let that happen, no sir. He goes to his long-lost lust thing’s bar in the Himalayas and tries to get the thing that will lead the Nazis to the ark before they get there. He shows her that he cares for her by burning down her bar and then sallies forth with nuisance in tow.

They go to Egypt, meet up with Gimli, and head off to where the lost city is that is housing the ark. They find it before the Nazis do but the Nazis steal it from them anyway because hey they’re Nazis, they going to hell anyway, what’s another broken commandment.

They go to a secret island that is very much like what a German would like to remind him of home and the open the ark. The wax model versions of the actors melt in glorious fashion at the mere sight of the contents of the ark. I used to think that part was kind of scary when I was a kid but now I look back and think that I night have been a little special.  People don’t turn into liquid when heated. They turn into t-bones.

So there it is. A movie that started a trilogy of awesomeness. That’s right, only three will be recognized as movies because that fourth piece of crap shouldn’t be viewed by anything with a pulse. So go watch it and relive your childhood. Next up, The Temple Of Doom. Brittany is pretty proud of her review. So comment on it to make her feel all warm and fuzzy.

Not even a little excited?

The Incredible Hulk

This has to be one of my favorite superhero movies of all time. I always felt that if I were to be a superhero that I would be the Incredible Hulk. Don’t ask me why…because I’m going to tell you right now. As Mr. Blue put it he never thought to see this unexpecting man. People look at me and expect a not so tough push over short fella. Well, they couldn’t be farther from the truth. Even though I don’t look like it, I’m quite strong.

Enough about me, let’s get back to the movie. *Bruce Banner is a brilliant scientist that is working on a project for the military when something goes wrong. You see the project that he was working on was similar to the project that gave Captain America his powers. The difference was that Bruce decided to try it on himself. Using gamma radiation technology he sets off something that cannot be stopped. He demolishes that laboratory and severely injures the woman he loves putting her into the hospital for quite a while. He goes to visit her when he is accosted by the general that commissioned him to start the project in the first place. Bruce runs*.

The movie really starts off in Brazil where he has decided to hide himself from the government. Excelling at the local Guarana Soda factory he has a tough time fitting in. He does however learn Portuguese while living there which just goes to show his genius level. One thing leads to another and the G.I. Joes end up finding him. He goes into a fit and turns into the Hulk and completely decimates the professionally trained killers. He runs without knowing it.

You see the thing about when he’s the Hulk is that he has no recollection of what happens. So he has no idea where he ends up when he runs. After this particular episode he ends up in Guatemala. He makes his way back to his home where he runs into Betty Ross, the woman he loves, who also is not to be confused with the american icon Betsy.

She gets him the data from the experiment so that they can go see Mr. Blue who is going to help Bruce cure himself of the Hulk. Then the military finds out that he’s there and they try to capture him. He Hulkifies and all sorts of ruckus ensues. A helicopter crashes and blows stuff up and the Hulk saves Betty and runs off to the mountains.

They decide to go to New York to meet Mr Blue. While they’re there the military finds out where they’re going and tries to intercept. They do but in the mean time Bloncski, military man who is obsessed with fighting, gets a hold of Mr. Blue and makes him turn him into The Abomination. The Hulk and the Abom fight in one of the most impressive superhero battles of all time (at least the best in my eyes).

This movie is the best superhero movie ever. Well… it’s definitely up there. I love it because of it’s trueness to the comic and stunning computer generated imagery. I would recommend it to anyone and everyone that has the desire to see complete and utter awesomeness.

Tune in next time for the next review which will also be mine because my wife gets impatient and posts her’s out of order. Peace out people.

*this all happens during the opening credits, I’ll represent the end of the credits stuff with another asterisk. Thank you for paying attention.

I dunno, something amazing, I guess…

Don’t get excited, Steve is posting his review on The Incredible Hulk shortly. It’s just that for all Avengers-type films (can’t wait for Iron Man!), Steve gets a little bit OCD about his review. He wants it to be just right. So regardless of the fact that we watched it, and he has started several reviews of it, I guess his current draft is not good enough for the big green guy yet. So I’m skipping ahead and reviewing the movie we watched the other night, The Incredibles.

Let’s not kid ourselves here. Everything that Pixar creates is cinematic gold, and The Incredibles really is no different. Every time a new Pixar movie is created, I have a new favorite movie until the next one is released. (Although, for eight years running, I admit to being a little bit more than obsessed with Finding Nemo, with no replacement–not even another Pixar–in sight.) Anyway, despite all that… The Incredibles is good.

So The Incredibles follows the story of a superhero (Mr. Incredible) who is forced to suppress his “super” identity, and he settles down with another super and they are raising three super kids. He’s coerced into taking a job from a kid who was once his biggest fan but now has unfortunately turned into a super villain set on destroying the world. When Mr. Incredible finds out who his boss/arch nemesis is, and finds out that he’s evil, he realizes he’s got some problems on his hands. His superwife and superkids come to his rescue and it is really supergreat.

I like everything about this movie. For one thing, Pixar’s animation is so flawless I nearly forget that it’s animated. Seriously. I’m an idiot. But I really do. And the whole time I’m watching this movie, I’m thinking, “Who is playing the role of Mr. Incredible? I know that face. What else is he in?!” And then I remember that it’s computer generated and my dreams are dashed. (By the way, the face looks kind of familiar because he looks kinda like my brother. Sup Brett.)

I also like the basic setup of it. I don’t know what you would call that. But it starts out with documentary style interviews with some of the superheroes when they were still allowed to be super, which I think is just neat. They also did this great movie that was a huge success (well, I don’t know how huge or successful it was, but it gets an A+ from us!) and they didn’t have to stuff it chock full of big names. Another thing I like was that animated or not, every character is just so gosh darn believable. You know, if you can believe that superheroes exist among us and are just being forced to suppress their superhero awesomeness. Which I definitely can.

I slipped on a crab. Who put that crab there?

Ah. I look out there on all you wonderful guys and I say to myself, “What I wouldn’t give to be 20 years younger… and a woman!”

Who knew Hot Shots would make me kind of sad to watch it now? Charlie Sheen is such a crazyperson that it was difficult to watch him do such funny things without thinking about how messed up he is.

But let’s face it, this movie is pretty messed up. Which is why I love it. I love anything with Lloyd Bridges, a man I fell in love with the first time I ever saw Joe vs. the Volcano, a movie that we unfortunately do not possess but remains a favorite based on the way that Lloyd Bridges says, “Wamponi-woo!”

But I digress (as per usual). The movie is a spoof of Top Gun, the movie that made Tom Cruise famous, I’m pretty sure. But it’s a spoof the way that the 80s/early 90s did spoofs. That is to say they were clean, didn’t resort to sex and farting, were basically just silly, and starred Lloyd Bridges.

I would give you a synopsis, but I really have a hard time between all the silliness (to include a chihuahua that is constantly being sat upon, a chafing dish, and every scene that contains Lloyd Bridges) gleaning any sort of plot line from the movie. From what I can gather, Harley is a pilot in the navy who was kicked out for insubordination, and then is asked to come back. I think he’s asked to come back and so the navy can make an example of him and he will die.

But anyway, his Indian chief needs AA batteries for his walkman, so Harley agrees to fly the super secret danger mission and get the batteries on the way back. With a mishmash of messed up compadres, Harley flies the super secret danger mission and doesn’t die but really saves the day, and Lloyd Bridges is still awesome. That’s about it.

So if you haven’t seen the movie, and you like 80s/early 90s comedy adventures that make little to no sense, star Lloyd Bridges, and have ridiculous quotes like the one I listed as the subject of today’s blog, go ahead and see this movie.

I don’t know that I have ever seen the sequel, which we will be reviewing next, but I don’t have a lot of faith in sequels to spoofs. So just remember Hot Shots = good. Hot Shots II = Probably less good. But we’ll see what the Bear has to say about it.

Dude, you are a warrior poet.

Horton Hears a Who is another one of those questionable movies. The movies that you buy not really sure how you’re going to feel about them, and then you like them a lot as it turns out, and then you watch it again, and it is missing the same flare it had when you saw it the first time. Not bad for a children’s movie, not great for an adults movie.

Plus there’s the whole issue with them turning simple children’s books into full-length films. It is hardly ever done well. Yes, I am talking specifically of Polar Express, a movie whose very existence makes me feel a titch beyond infuriated.

But that’s besides the point. Horton is a movie based on the Dr. Seuss book of the same name and tells the tale of an elephant who finds a speck that actually contains an entire minuscule world of little Who people. I don’t remember the book well enough to tell if every minor detail in the book was captured in the movie, but I seem to remember the flower that Horton places the speck world on looks just as it does in the book.

I guess there isn’t a lot to say about this based-on-a-book-intended-for-five-year-old-children-type-movie other than it has enough humor in it that would appeal to a more mature audience. This makes it still tolerably good. It is very colorful, which I like, and it has a surprisingly star-studded cast, including Steve Carrell, Seth Rogen, and Carol Burnett.

You might like it. You just have to be in the right mood. And by the right mood, it would probably help if you were on some kind of hallucinogen, or if you had just prior to watching it pulled an all-nighter. It seems to me that the first time I saw it, I thought it was ridiculously hilarious. I was consuming copious amounts of Benadryl, but that’s just my suggestion.

Well, you’re in love. Have a beer.

Hell Boy II

Most would say that this is probably the most recent B movie made but, I like it.

The movie make-up and costuming is pretty neat. It’s the same guy that did Pan’s Labyrinth Which means one thing. AWESOME. That guy has some weird imagination but holy poop does it ever look stunning on screen. It takes a dive right into the most messed up visions of someone having an acid trip. He put some interesting spins on the movie monster field. Like think about when monster movies were big, the make up technology sure sucked but the ideas and vision of the artists weren’t even close to what he’s made it. He dives right inside you nightmares and brings them to life. It’s really incredible.

The acting is… well… a little bit… total crap. Seriously! I’ve seen better work on an afternoon lifetime special. You know one of those all-men-are-evil-and-want rape/murder/beat-you-to-a-pulp kind of movies. that’s pretty shady but at least you get some emotion out of those cheap actresses.

This next sentence is for my wife. Ahem… I didn’t like the cinematography.

The story is alright. Here’s a synopsis. Once upon a time there was a big red demon guy that just wanted to be like everyone else. Sadly though, he couldn’t because he was big red and demon like. One day a pasty ripped man from the sewer doesn’t like people and wants them to stop existing. Demon, his flaming hot (literally a flame and hot as in temperature-wise) girlfriend and his fish man buddy find out the end of the world might happen and that they’re the only ones who can stop it from happening.  They do battle with captain pasty muscles fight for control of the army that could possibly bring about the apocalypse. Demon wins. Earth is safe and his fire woman is having twins at the end of the movie. Happy time to be had by all.

When I explain like that it doesn’t sound awesome. Not one iota. However I like it because it’s all comic bookey. It’s a good movie and think you should see it if not for the movie but the monster make-up alone.

So that’s all for tonight my friends. Have a good one and enjoy the next movie… or at least try to. He’s just not the into you. I shudder to think about having to watch it again. Good night e’erybody!

Call me an @-hole one more time.

The unorthodox superhero flick. Hancock is just what the Dr. ordered if that’s what you’re looking for. Let me tell you what I like about the movie.

It’s unorthodox just as I stated in the first sentence of this post. It looks at what a superhero would be like if his moral compass was a little skew. He drinks more than he breathes and curses like a sailor. I’m not saying that that’s what I like about him but it take a different look at the whole super hero flick. Think about it. How would you feel if your whole life you were the only one like you. I’m not saying like the how “we’re all special in our own way” kind I mean like you’re the only one in your species. Alone. It would suck and I promise that none of you reading this post would handle it any better than he did.

The cast did an awesome job. Will Smith was a perfect choice for this role. He did it very well. Jason Bateman, absolutely awesome. Seriously no one could have done the PR guy better than him. Charlise Theron, she has the perfect poise and form to be the super hero chick. Kate Bekinsale could have done that role very easily as well but Charlise was an excellent candidate.

The story and how it tied together was pretty interesting. I’m leaving that one at that.

Brittany brought up a very valid and interesting point when we watched it and it was that when Charlise reveals herself as being super hero chick that she all of a sudden slutted it up. I like this not because it’s hottie Charlise Theron being a slut but because as my awesome wife mentioned to me when she said that was that all super hero women are sluts. Don’t believe me? Look at any issue of Xmen and tell me that it doesn’t look like rogue/gene grey/pshylocke/lady death strike have their costumes painted on. Their  hoes and that’s all there is to it. I don’t condone the behavior but it’s consitant and I like consistency in my movies.

So with all that said I think that if you want an outside the box super hero flick check out Hancock. Goodnight viewers and have a good evening.

P.S. When Brittany first saw this movie it was on her first date with Marci-friend. It was love at first sight from what she told me.

Do you wish to ride me?

I am going to be honest. I had a hard time paying attention to The Golden Compass. When it first came out, I remember there being a lot of controversy over the movie because the author states openly that the books are all about killing God, who in the author’s own words “deserves to be put down and rebelled against.” I was trying to pull out the religious meaning instead of just watching the movie and therefore, was not paying a lot of attention. (For more information regarding the author’s intent behind writing His Dark Materials, the trilogy on which The Golden Compass and the inevitable sequels are based, Google it. It’s a little creepish.

From what I could tell, the movie is about a girl who is kidnapped/volunteered to go on a journey with this lady. Everything seems to be going well and good until the lady shows that she really is not as nice as she would appear. Also, she is mixed up in this mess where children are disappearing. So the girl, Lyra is her name, escapes, finds refuge with a group of scallywags/parents whose children are missing, and goes on a mission to discover where all of the other little kids are disappearing off to. She finds an alcoholic bear who makes a verbal agreement (hardly legally binding, but bears are true to their word) with the girl that he will protect her forever.

It’s all very odd, and like I said, I wasn’t paying attention very well. So long story short, the girl saves all of her friends and at the end, they tie nothing up, leaving everything nice and wide open for the sequel. However, my Googlish resources state that there are no sequels planned, and I can’t say that I am terribly disappointed. The movie was alright. But just that.

Here are some of the reasons it was alright rather than downright awful:

• I guess either the movie or I (likely the latter) lacked enough depth for me to interpret/be disturbed by the whole “killing God” plot line. That was a good thing.
• In this weird fantasy world they lived in, everyone had “daemons,” the name given to their souls, which rather than being a part of their being, took the form of an animal and followed their body around. Steve mentioned that Javier must be my daemon because he pretty much dies if he’s not standing next to me at all times. It’s cute though.

Things that were not cool about The Golden Compass include (but are not limited to) the following:

• The part at the end where the bear gets his jaw torn off. Disturbing, even for a CGI bear fight.

That’s all I feel like talking about this movie. Ultimately, it was alright (but just so), but kind of a downer. Guarding Tess should be a good time. Back when Nicolas Cage didn’t play the exact same character in a variety of super-messed up action movies. Tolerable.