I’m actually dating anybody else right now.

I’m not sure why I have yet to find anybody that likes Just Go With It as much as Steve and I do. I feel Will Ferrell/Stranger than Fiction flashbacks when I watch it (another movie that no one but me seemed to like), but whatever. Sure, it’s Adam Sandler, which can only mean that the whole story line is a wee bit flimsy, and sure, Jennifer Aniston can do so much better. (I loved her in The Good Girl. Come back, Good Girl!) but it’s got so much good in it.

For example, Nick Swardson is in it. If you don’t know Nicholas, I will remind you of the crazy stalker dude that sends Jimmy a cup of his blood in Blades of Glory. He’s also got some pretty good stand-up stuff. Not that I would know personally. But I’m married to a Nick Swardson’s #1 fan, and I hear, “Nicholas, you’re the strongest boy in the world!” about 90 times a day. It’s pretty good. Google it. “Nick Swardson strongest boy in the world” and you won’t regret it.

Anyway, so that was fun wasn’t it? Nick Swardson’s character has the majority of the real golden one-liners in this movie, but for some reason IMDB didn’t use any of them. Oh well.

I’ll get to some of the other good things this movie holds in a minute, but first, the movie synopsis. Adam Sandler is Danny, a guy who picks up chicks by pretending he’s married and that his wife is this awful woman who beats him and stuff. Yeah, we’re off to a great start. Anyway, as it turns out, he really and truly falls for Palmer, the one girl that he’s met through honest means, but she finds a wedding ring in his pocket, and demands an explanation.

That’s when the lie starts. Danny explains away the wedding ring by telling Palmer he’s married but is getting divorced. Danny pays his assistant to pretend to be his awful wife and tell Palmer herself that they are getting a divorce. Then through a series of random events, Palmer finds out that Danny’s assistant (wife) has kids, who would naturally be Danny’s kids, and wants to meet them. So Danny gets the kids roped up in this, and one of the kid blackmails Danny into taking the whole “family” (plus girlfriend, plus the “wife’s” “boyfriend,” played by Nick Swardson) to Hawaii.

And it’s funny.

So other good parts of the movie – it’s not at all as predictable as you think it would be. There is no moment at the end where the girl finds out about the lying and flips out. There are no sudden airport chases at the end of the movie. Nobody chases anyone else in a taxi through rush hour traffic. Palmer doesn’t throw a fit about the love of her life lying to her. But it still has a good heartwarming ending that warms the soul and touches tenderly the heart. Or some such nonsense.

Anyway, you should see it, because we like it. And you should see Stranger than Fiction, because that’s also funny. I might be the only one to think so. But mine is the only opinion that should matter anyway. You’re good.

I’m pregnant.

I haven’t seen Junior in like a million years before now, and let me tell you something. The refresher was awesome! In case you’ve been living in a cave since the early 90s, this movie is about two doctors, who are denied FDA approval for a drug that would pretty much make miscarriage a thing of the past. They decide to take matters into their own hands, and get this. They make Arnold Schwarzenegger pregnant! Could a movie be any better than this? I think not.

Anyway, so Arnie is all pregnant, and he’s all hopped up on hormones, and his behavior is a lot like another favorite movie of mine (also on this list), Mr. Mom. He has the cravings, the hyperdrive emotions, mood swings, the whole bit. And it’s just amazing, is all I’m saying. Danny Devito… I can’t remember what I was going to say about him, because I just remembered to add “Renaissance Man” to my Pinterest and came back and forgot I was writing a blog.

Anyway, the whole cast is amazing. That may be what I was getting at. There’s the one lady. And Emma Thompson, whom I love. And Danny DeVito, whom I love. And Arnold, who I kind of loved before I discovered how freaking messed up he is. He is/was kind of like The Rock of the 80s/90s. You know what I mean? Big tough guy, kind of scary looking, starts out in some really BA movies and then turns to meaningless fluffy films. I’m talking to you, Kindergarten Cop. And stop laughing, The Tooth Fairy, you’re part of this too.

Anyway, so Arnold is pregnant, and the other lady is pregnant, and typical early 90s shenanigans happen, and the whole thing is utterly ridiculous. And awesome. Because “utterly ridiculous” and “awesome” are, for all intents and purposes, completely the same thing in my book. If you haven’t seen it in the last five days or so, I highly recommend it. Steve liked it even more this time around because now he can truly appreciate the psychotic nature of a pregnant person.

Now stay tuned for another ridiculous/awesome film about a pregnant person, Juno, reviewed by Steve!

He just went sailing right out there…

It’s a mad, mad, mad, mad world!

This movie is awesome. Pretty much any adjective that you can think of that is also a synonym for awesome could be used to describe how great this movie is. It’s one of the last crazy ridiculous slap stick movies of the olden days.

Good things:

Everyone is on it. Everyone from the three stooges to Jerry Lewis. Pretty much if you were famous for being funny in the 60′s or earlier and were still alive at the time, then you had a part in this movie. It’s good times.

It’s clean humor. There are no reference to boobs, farts, peni or sex of any kind. It is a good wholesome comedy for all ages.

They tie everything together pretty well. They wander off on a tangent and stray from the story at all. it stays pretty consistent even though they have a very convoluted mess of crazy story lines.

Bad things:

It’s really long. Like really long. Like the type of long that when you see that there’s an intermission in the middle of it you see why it’s there and you really appreciate the it is there.

there is a super annoying lady in it that even though her character is funny, it get’s really tiresome listening to her yell at everyone for the full 9 hours of the film.

Those are the pro’s and con’s of the film so take it as you want to. I love it and even though it is forever long, it is stinking hilarious. So go find a friend that owns it or stalk your grandparent’s movie collection in order to find it and watch it. You’ll be glad that you did.

Peace out ya’ll! Tune in next time for a review of some thing that isn’t a movie but we count it as one.

Didn’t any of you guys ever go to Sunday school?

Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark

I like this movie in all of its Hollywood ridiculousness. Some of the stuff in it is just so silly. Like how they try to make everything realistic. Like the “don’t go into the light” booby trap. I don’t care how advanced the civilization was, there was no way that they could have developed light sensor technology without electricity. I don’t know what is nerdier, the fact that I thought of that or the fact that I brought it up.

Anyway, this movie rules. It rules because it was very influential on my childhood. I always thought that it would be so cool to have a whip and a fedora and save the world from grave robber/religious/Nazi bad guys. The woman of interest in this one isn’t very good-looking though. She does kind of fit the archaeologist profile though. Kind of man-like in her attitude, frumpy but cleans up ok. She is however completely worthless and by far the most annoying character ever conceived.

So this one goes a little something like this. A one, and a two, and a three… nothing? I thought it was a lame joke too but let’s continue. Indiana Jones is a steamy professor that teaches at a university. He also is an archaeologist that goes on amazing adventures. This particular adventure is in search for the lost ark of the covenant. One thing that I like about the IJ movies is they always try to tie religion into it. I like it because too many people regard religion as myth and these guys remind you that it’s real.

So he goes in search of it because the Nazis are trying to get their grubby little yodeler mitts on it and use it for evil. IJ isn’t going to let that happen, no sir. He goes to his long-lost lust thing’s bar in the Himalayas and tries to get the thing that will lead the Nazis to the ark before they get there. He shows her that he cares for her by burning down her bar and then sallies forth with nuisance in tow.

They go to Egypt, meet up with Gimli, and head off to where the lost city is that is housing the ark. They find it before the Nazis do but the Nazis steal it from them anyway because hey they’re Nazis, they going to hell anyway, what’s another broken commandment.

They go to a secret island that is very much like what a German would like to remind him of home and the open the ark. The wax model versions of the actors melt in glorious fashion at the mere sight of the contents of the ark. I used to think that part was kind of scary when I was a kid but now I look back and think that I night have been a little special.  People don’t turn into liquid when heated. They turn into t-bones.

So there it is. A movie that started a trilogy of awesomeness. That’s right, only three will be recognized as movies because that fourth piece of crap shouldn’t be viewed by anything with a pulse. So go watch it and relive your childhood. Next up, The Temple Of Doom. Brittany is pretty proud of her review. So comment on it to make her feel all warm and fuzzy.

Long live the Hud!

The Hudsucker Proxy

My wife told me not to write a bad review about her movie. The thing is that the movie is so ridiculous that it is really hard to write a good one. So here comes my mediocre review.

This movie is as I said earlier, ridiculous. I thought it was going to one of those movies that is sill but realistic but this one is silly, just plain silly. It starts out innocently enough, showing a young Tim Robbins all bright eyed and full of ambition in New York looking for work. With no experience he decides to go to Hudsucker industries.

While Timmy is on his way there the owner of Hudsucker ind. decides to jump out of the 44th floor window or the 45th if you include the mezzanine. So the president goes splat and Timmy goes in to work for the mail room.

Timmy really is ambitious and has this idea that he keeps showing to people. It’s a crumpled up piece of paper that he keeps in his shoe that has nothing more than a perfectly drawn circle on it. He keeps trying to get people to understand the idea by saying “You know… for the kids!” Every time he is met with nothing but blank stares. Well things work out in a ridiculous manner and Timmy becomes the president of the company.

Enter the goosh! He meets a girl. He likes her and she likes him. I’m not going to bore you with the unimportant details.

I really thought that the movie was going to start getting normal but much to my chagrin it didn’t. He enters a dream sequence where he’s dancing with a nearly naked woman with carmen bizet playing in the background. Really weird. Like really weird.

Things work out and everyone is happy by the end of the film. You should see it just for the sheer silliness of it. I give it a thumb. I’d say whether the thumb is up or down but as it is right now, it’s just a thumb.

Tune in next time for Brittany’s review of Inception. I think it’ll be a good one.

I slipped on a crab. Who put that crab there?

Ah. I look out there on all you wonderful guys and I say to myself, “What I wouldn’t give to be 20 years younger… and a woman!”

Who knew Hot Shots would make me kind of sad to watch it now? Charlie Sheen is such a crazyperson that it was difficult to watch him do such funny things without thinking about how messed up he is.

But let’s face it, this movie is pretty messed up. Which is why I love it. I love anything with Lloyd Bridges, a man I fell in love with the first time I ever saw Joe vs. the Volcano, a movie that we unfortunately do not possess but remains a favorite based on the way that Lloyd Bridges says, “Wamponi-woo!”

But I digress (as per usual). The movie is a spoof of Top Gun, the movie that made Tom Cruise famous, I’m pretty sure. But it’s a spoof the way that the 80s/early 90s did spoofs. That is to say they were clean, didn’t resort to sex and farting, were basically just silly, and starred Lloyd Bridges.

I would give you a synopsis, but I really have a hard time between all the silliness (to include a chihuahua that is constantly being sat upon, a chafing dish, and every scene that contains Lloyd Bridges) gleaning any sort of plot line from the movie. From what I can gather, Harley is a pilot in the navy who was kicked out for insubordination, and then is asked to come back. I think he’s asked to come back and so the navy can make an example of him and he will die.

But anyway, his Indian chief needs AA batteries for his walkman, so Harley agrees to fly the super secret danger mission and get the batteries on the way back. With a mishmash of messed up compadres, Harley flies the super secret danger mission and doesn’t die but really saves the day, and Lloyd Bridges is still awesome. That’s about it.

So if you haven’t seen the movie, and you like 80s/early 90s comedy adventures that make little to no sense, star Lloyd Bridges, and have ridiculous quotes like the one I listed as the subject of today’s blog, go ahead and see this movie.

I don’t know that I have ever seen the sequel, which we will be reviewing next, but I don’t have a lot of faith in sequels to spoofs. So just remember Hot Shots = good. Hot Shots II = Probably less good. But we’ll see what the Bear has to say about it.

Soul of a bottlenose dolphin.

Hot Rod

This movie really does hold a very near and dear place in my heart. It is pure unadulterated awesomeness. The ridiculous antics that take place in this film are hilarious and should be seen by most people. I’d say all but I don’t think that every one would appreciate the type of movie that this is.

The story line is pretty silly the acting is even more so and the jokes are not for the everyday Joe walking down the street.

In a nutshell there’s this guy named Rod. He aspires to be a stunt man because his father “was” a stunt man up until he died doing one of his stunts When Rod was very young. His mom did remarry but she married a weird jack hole who makes Rod feel worthless as a man. Rod has it in his head that he and his stepfather Frank need to fight, like legitimate fists flying type, and that Rod needs to win in order fro Frank to respect him and recognize him as a man. Frank is apparently a pretty descent fighter due to his chemical fire experience. Rod comes home one day after one of his failed stunts to find an ambulance in front of his house. Frank has a heart condition that they’ve known about for years that is finally spiraling to its end. At finding this out Rod gallops off to a wooded glen to punch dance out his rage and find an answer to his dilemma. After suffering a ridiculously long and painful fall it hits him… ONE BIG JUMP!

He decides to do a fund raiser stunt tin order to raise the money for his stepfather’s very conveniently priced surgery. The plans go in order to prepare him for the jump and more hilarities ensue. It truly is a ridiculous as it sounds but it is also as hilarious as it sounds and then some.

If you have nothing else to do and the means of obtaining the movie by all means watch it. You may hate me for it afterwards but give it a shot. Really what else do you have to lose.

Tune in next week when the beautiful as ever Brittany reviews Hot Shots. Peace!

I’m feeling really lucky.

I don’t really know if that is an actual quote from the movie but to find out I’d have to watch the movie all over again and that’s not something I’m really willing to do right now.

Holes.

So the movie wasn’t really all that bad but it was kind of nice seeing Shia Leb… however you spell his last name, play a kid while he was a kid. I mean seriously who isn’t sick of seeing him play teenage kids. He’s gotta be like 40 now and he keeps playing the young angst filled pubescent role. It’s not our fault that he looks like a 10 year old. so why do we have to suffer. Sorry about that little rant right there because during this movie there was no need. He was like 12.

So there is this kid who has horribly bad bad luck. He’s walking along and some shoes hit him in the head and all of a sudden some cops pick him up asking why he stole them. He goes on trial and they turn out to be shoes that belonged to a professional baseball player that had donated them to an orphanage for charity. So due to the “severity” of this particular crime he’s sentenced to go to a prison camp like place where they try to reform bad boys into good boys. Their method of treatment you may be asking yourself? Digging holes all day long. Sounds efficient right. It doesn’t to me either.

Seriously? Digging holes? Who in their right mind would think that a juvenile delinquent would think “Hey!If I’m bad I have to dig holes. I’m going to listen to authority now and be a good boy for the rest of my life!” No one that’s who! If this were the case the scenario would play out a little something like this. “Hey I have to dig holes when I get caught being bad! This sucks! I’m going to be sneakier when I’m being bad so I don’t get caught and get stuck digging holes. Screw you, you imperialistic oppressors!”

Moving on. It turns out that they’re digging for this treasure that was left in the desert over a hundred years ago that this boss lady’s ancestors wanted but the thief that buried it was really a nice lady that turned bad because of the ancestor’s of the boss lady did her wrong. So to get back at them she (thief) didn’t tell them where it was and they never found it. This boss lady now is covering her selfish desires up by making it look like a reformation camp.

Then more movie happens and the credits roll. It ends well though. Not like I like the ending but everybody’s happy. So there you have it. One hole of a movie. read soon for Brittany’s review of Horton Hears a Who. It was a good one. Peace out.

Well, you’re in love. Have a beer.

Hell Boy II

Most would say that this is probably the most recent B movie made but, I like it.

The movie make-up and costuming is pretty neat. It’s the same guy that did Pan’s Labyrinth Which means one thing. AWESOME. That guy has some weird imagination but holy poop does it ever look stunning on screen. It takes a dive right into the most messed up visions of someone having an acid trip. He put some interesting spins on the movie monster field. Like think about when monster movies were big, the make up technology sure sucked but the ideas and vision of the artists weren’t even close to what he’s made it. He dives right inside you nightmares and brings them to life. It’s really incredible.

The acting is… well… a little bit… total crap. Seriously! I’ve seen better work on an afternoon lifetime special. You know one of those all-men-are-evil-and-want rape/murder/beat-you-to-a-pulp kind of movies. that’s pretty shady but at least you get some emotion out of those cheap actresses.

This next sentence is for my wife. Ahem… I didn’t like the cinematography.

The story is alright. Here’s a synopsis. Once upon a time there was a big red demon guy that just wanted to be like everyone else. Sadly though, he couldn’t because he was big red and demon like. One day a pasty ripped man from the sewer doesn’t like people and wants them to stop existing. Demon, his flaming hot (literally a flame and hot as in temperature-wise) girlfriend and his fish man buddy find out the end of the world might happen and that they’re the only ones who can stop it from happening.  They do battle with captain pasty muscles fight for control of the army that could possibly bring about the apocalypse. Demon wins. Earth is safe and his fire woman is having twins at the end of the movie. Happy time to be had by all.

When I explain like that it doesn’t sound awesome. Not one iota. However I like it because it’s all comic bookey. It’s a good movie and think you should see it if not for the movie but the monster make-up alone.

So that’s all for tonight my friends. Have a good one and enjoy the next movie… or at least try to. He’s just not the into you. I shudder to think about having to watch it again. Good night e’erybody!

The hairy one could speak.

The Gods Must Be Crazy

Well this is one for the record books. Most ridiculous movie ever.

Filmed in South Africa this particular movie follows the journey of a tiny little Bushman for the first half and then goes into some silly story involving a clumsy white guy and some hot smarty pants.

so there’s this tribe in the middle of the savanna. They live happily until the arrival of the evil thing. At least that’s what they call it. It’s really a coke bottle. They have never seen one before so they use it for everything but being a vessel for a tasty carbonated beverage. Or any kind of beverage for that matter.

I can’t remember the name of the main character but he take the task upon himself to go to the edge of the earth and toss it off into oblivion. While he’s out travelling he runs into this clumsy white guy.

Enter side story. Clumsy white guy is a smart fella who collects poop. He has a mechanic friend who has like 7 wives. none of which he lives with. H was asked why and he said “I know how to marry them, not live with them.” Kind of funny. Moving on! White guy get assigned by the local priest to go to this town and fetch hot smarty pants. He arrives in his piece of hud car and picks her. She arrives at her teaching station and white guy goes off to collect more poop.

The plot thickens. A terrorist group comes by and kidnaps her and all of the students and they walk for like forever and a day. White guy so happens to stumble upon them and saves the day.

Little bush guy has a part in these shenanigans and helps and goes to the end of the earth and throws away the evil thing. Woot! Way to go little bush guy! We knew you could dispose of the evil menace known as coke bottle.

The end. I would like to sign off in the language that little bush guy spoke so here goes. Wish me luck.  Click cluck clickity cluck click cluckity cluck cluck. Clukity clickity cluck click click “The Golden Compass”. Click cluck click clickity click cluck!