PAUL… PAUL… P-PAUL!!!

Julie and Julia

I was skeptical at first on this one. I still don’t know what to think about it though. I still was a little bit bored during the film because it is phenomenally estrogen driven. I also was bored because it didn’t move as quickly as I would have like to see it move. I wasn’t bored because there was a pretty good conflict. It was also kind of funny in some spots.

SYNOPSIS! There’s this girl that she and her hubbers move to queens. In the movie they go through what happens with Julia Child. She’s moving to Paris and adjusting to the french lifestyle. Queens is having a hard time feeling comfortable in the apartment that they are living in because she’s a big foodie and the kitchen sucks. Julia is having a hard time because she’s a proactive woman and needs something to do.

Queens works for an insurance company or something like that which is handling all of these post 9/11 family tragedies. It’s a depressing job. She hates it and it shows. She tries to find some way to cope with the depressio feelings that she gets from her job and the depressio feelings that she has from having to live in sucky Queens. She make a decision to start a blog where she takes Julia Child’s cook book, Mastering the Art of French Cooking, and makes all of the recipes in one year. A pretty daunting task when you see that there are 500 some odd recipes. But she goes for it and it all looks de-freaking-licious. Seriously, it was giving my stomach the rumblies something fierce.

During this time that Queens is doing all of her stuff it cuts back and forth between her and Julia. Julia Goes to cooking school and is approached by these French cooking goddesses that want her to translate their cook book to English. She struggles with the problems and drama that come with working on a cook book and the pain that comes with being rejected by publishers left and right.

While queens is doing her blog she runs into some of the big conflict which is part of what I mentioned that I liked. She and her husband start having a little bit of a rough patch because she forgets about him and focuses too much on her blog. It alludes to the fact that they haven’t loved each other up in quite a while and he starts getting all frustrated.

Which brings me to something that my wife has quoted a number of times. My wife loves Dr. Laura more than she loves me(that’s not the quote). One of things that the good Dr. has said goes a little something like this, not verbatim, but no man will leave a woman who will provide him with sex and sandwiches. I fully believe this to be true.

Now I’m not just saying this to have my wife be all “I’m proud of you for quoting the good Dr.” but It has some meat to it, and not just in the sandwich. (ba dum bum) If a man has a good woman the will give him BOTH of those things he’s going to be happier than a bird with a french fry. I put both in caps because it goes in pairs. If you’re just getting sandwiches you’ll get frustrated for obvious reasons that I won’t mention because my in-laws will more than likely read this. If you just get the hibbidy dibbidy, then you’ll starve because you’ll forget to feed yourself.

Moving on! She finishes the year of her blog and all is well and they make a movie. I forgot to mention that this is a true story. Julia finishes her book and gets a cooking show.There really is more to the ending than what I told you but that’s because I didn’t want to spoil any of it for you. It was a lot better than I thought it was going to be. Go watch it. You won’t die. I promise.

Tune in next blog for Brittany’s review of Junior. It’s a gooder in case you haven’t seen it. Paz afuera!

Soul of a bottlenose dolphin.

Hot Rod

This movie really does hold a very near and dear place in my heart. It is pure unadulterated awesomeness. The ridiculous antics that take place in this film are hilarious and should be seen by most people. I’d say all but I don’t think that every one would appreciate the type of movie that this is.

The story line is pretty silly the acting is even more so and the jokes are not for the everyday Joe walking down the street.

In a nutshell there’s this guy named Rod. He aspires to be a stunt man because his father “was” a stunt man up until he died doing one of his stunts When Rod was very young. His mom did remarry but she married a weird jack hole who makes Rod feel worthless as a man. Rod has it in his head that he and his stepfather Frank need to fight, like legitimate fists flying type, and that Rod needs to win in order fro Frank to respect him and recognize him as a man. Frank is apparently a pretty descent fighter due to his chemical fire experience. Rod comes home one day after one of his failed stunts to find an ambulance in front of his house. Frank has a heart condition that they’ve known about for years that is finally spiraling to its end. At finding this out Rod gallops off to a wooded glen to punch dance out his rage and find an answer to his dilemma. After suffering a ridiculously long and painful fall it hits him… ONE BIG JUMP!

He decides to do a fund raiser stunt tin order to raise the money for his stepfather’s very conveniently priced surgery. The plans go in order to prepare him for the jump and more hilarities ensue. It truly is a ridiculous as it sounds but it is also as hilarious as it sounds and then some.

If you have nothing else to do and the means of obtaining the movie by all means watch it. You may hate me for it afterwards but give it a shot. Really what else do you have to lose.

Tune in next week when the beautiful as ever Brittany reviews Hot Shots. Peace!

I’m feeling really lucky.

I don’t really know if that is an actual quote from the movie but to find out I’d have to watch the movie all over again and that’s not something I’m really willing to do right now.

Holes.

So the movie wasn’t really all that bad but it was kind of nice seeing Shia Leb… however you spell his last name, play a kid while he was a kid. I mean seriously who isn’t sick of seeing him play teenage kids. He’s gotta be like 40 now and he keeps playing the young angst filled pubescent role. It’s not our fault that he looks like a 10 year old. so why do we have to suffer. Sorry about that little rant right there because during this movie there was no need. He was like 12.

So there is this kid who has horribly bad bad luck. He’s walking along and some shoes hit him in the head and all of a sudden some cops pick him up asking why he stole them. He goes on trial and they turn out to be shoes that belonged to a professional baseball player that had donated them to an orphanage for charity. So due to the “severity” of this particular crime he’s sentenced to go to a prison camp like place where they try to reform bad boys into good boys. Their method of treatment you may be asking yourself? Digging holes all day long. Sounds efficient right. It doesn’t to me either.

Seriously? Digging holes? Who in their right mind would think that a juvenile delinquent would think “Hey!If I’m bad I have to dig holes. I’m going to listen to authority now and be a good boy for the rest of my life!” No one that’s who! If this were the case the scenario would play out a little something like this. “Hey I have to dig holes when I get caught being bad! This sucks! I’m going to be sneakier when I’m being bad so I don’t get caught and get stuck digging holes. Screw you, you imperialistic oppressors!”

Moving on. It turns out that they’re digging for this treasure that was left in the desert over a hundred years ago that this boss lady’s ancestors wanted but the thief that buried it was really a nice lady that turned bad because of the ancestor’s of the boss lady did her wrong. So to get back at them she (thief) didn’t tell them where it was and they never found it. This boss lady now is covering her selfish desires up by making it look like a reformation camp.

Then more movie happens and the credits roll. It ends well though. Not like I like the ending but everybody’s happy. So there you have it. One hole of a movie. read soon for Brittany’s review of Horton Hears a Who. It was a good one. Peace out.

Well, you’re in love. Have a beer.

Hell Boy II

Most would say that this is probably the most recent B movie made but, I like it.

The movie make-up and costuming is pretty neat. It’s the same guy that did Pan’s Labyrinth Which means one thing. AWESOME. That guy has some weird imagination but holy poop does it ever look stunning on screen. It takes a dive right into the most messed up visions of someone having an acid trip. He put some interesting spins on the movie monster field. Like think about when monster movies were big, the make up technology sure sucked but the ideas and vision of the artists weren’t even close to what he’s made it. He dives right inside you nightmares and brings them to life. It’s really incredible.

The acting is… well… a little bit… total crap. Seriously! I’ve seen better work on an afternoon lifetime special. You know one of those all-men-are-evil-and-want rape/murder/beat-you-to-a-pulp kind of movies. that’s pretty shady but at least you get some emotion out of those cheap actresses.

This next sentence is for my wife. Ahem… I didn’t like the cinematography.

The story is alright. Here’s a synopsis. Once upon a time there was a big red demon guy that just wanted to be like everyone else. Sadly though, he couldn’t because he was big red and demon like. One day a pasty ripped man from the sewer doesn’t like people and wants them to stop existing. Demon, his flaming hot (literally a flame and hot as in temperature-wise) girlfriend and his fish man buddy find out the end of the world might happen and that they’re the only ones who can stop it from happening.  They do battle with captain pasty muscles fight for control of the army that could possibly bring about the apocalypse. Demon wins. Earth is safe and his fire woman is having twins at the end of the movie. Happy time to be had by all.

When I explain like that it doesn’t sound awesome. Not one iota. However I like it because it’s all comic bookey. It’s a good movie and think you should see it if not for the movie but the monster make-up alone.

So that’s all for tonight my friends. Have a good one and enjoy the next movie… or at least try to. He’s just not the into you. I shudder to think about having to watch it again. Good night e’erybody!

between what is right and what is easy

No, we’re not slacking off. Not really. We just decided that we would watch all of the Harry Potters before reviewing them, and then we would just review them all together. Isn’t that great? Dumbledore is amazing. The subject of today’s blog is an excerpt from one of my favorite quotes in the movie. The one where Cedric Diggory dies. Did I give something away? I can hardly remember the order of the movies, but I would have to say my favorite one is The Order of the Phoenix.

Another lovely quote from Albus Dumbledore goes something like this: “It is our choices, Harry, that show what we truly are, far more than our abilities.” For a fantasy book aimed primarily towards young adults, they and the movies have so much wisdom to glean from them that not reading the books or seeing the movie is a total shame in my opinion. They are #2 on my list of books that I must absolutely read to my babies from the time they are just wee. (#1, in case you were curious, is the Chronicles of Narnia by C.S. Lewis, which my mother read to us when we were little, along with #3, The Lord of the Rings Trilogy. I owe my excellent reading skills that I have had since the ripe old age of four, I think, to the fact my mother read to us every night. Thanks Mom!)

Anyway, although I feel that a synopsis in this case would be worthless, I will provide one nonetheless. The Harry Potter series follows the story of Harry Potter, a young boy whose wizard parents are killed by a vicious evil homicidal wizard when he is just a baby. He grows up under the tyrannical guidance of his aunt and uncle, who are awful and never tell Harry that he is actually a wizard. Harry eventually discovers the news when he is a little tween boy living under the stairs at his uncle’s house, and all of a sudden life makes sense. He starts attending Hogwarts, a boarding school for young wizards and witches, and discovers a whole new life he never knew. The wizard who killed his parents decides to finish the job he started when Harry was a baby and kill Harry Potter, which Harry is not okay with. So year after year, Harry has a show down with the evil wizard overlord and foils the lord’s plans for Harry’s demise. Then he comes back every year to do the same thing. In different ways. But ultimately the same thing.

So basically it’s like every misunderstood teenager’s dream come true. My parents don’t understand me, no one understands me, life is hard, life is hard, why don’t I have an owl for a pet? Typical teen complaints, and then boom! Oh, I’m a wizard? Well that makes more sense. Essentially, it’s all pretty fantastic (as in unbelievable) (as in wouldn’t happen ever in a million years) but that’s pretty much what makes it worth the read. Or since we’re reviewing the movies here, makes it worth the watch. Harry Potter, for all the irritation and anger he stirred up in me when he starts being a piece of crap arrogant snotface in pretty much every book/movie after the first one, is a symbol of escapism. (He starts out being a really lovable character in the first book and by the end of the last one I can hardly stand him.)

Where was I? Escapism, yes. Sure, he goes through a lot of stuff to get to where he gets. But ultimately his life is a series of escapes. Some narrow, some not, but they all started with his escape from the regular world where people don’t fly, and when stuff gets us mad, we really have very little recourse, into a world where he is a champion flyer, a celebrity everywhere he goes, and when he gets mad, people almost immediately feel his wrath, because wizards have very little control over their magic and when they get mad, bad things happen, and people get boils or jell-o arms or get snatched up by dragons and stuff.

Then there is a series of narrow escapes by Harry and the ultimate wizard who is trying to kill him, and nearly does so at the end of each book/movie. And he escapes it every time! A lot of other people don’t, but Harry is special because he has a scar that keeps him connected with the Dark Lord and all of his evil plans for death and destruction. This and his courage-slash-stupidity keeps him from dying in every instance possible. So yeah, the ultimate escape. We can be rude to our friends, we can be arrogant and stupid and have snot running down our faces, and we will always be applauded because we escaped being murdered in horrendous ways seven times!

The series really is good. For all of the things that Harry doesn’t quite adequately show a great example of, there are a host of other characters that demonstrate all sorts of good qualities and quality life lessons. From Ron, you learn that sometimes nice guys do finish last, and redheads will ultimately always get the girl, because red hair is awesome. I always have rooted for the underdog, and Ron Weasley is my favorite of the Harry Potter characters. He’s not the best at magic, he gets into a lot of trouble, and he’s super accident prone. But he is incredibly loyal to his friends (even though Harry is a git), and tries hard. From Hermione, we learn to always be respectful to authority and our elders. Stay in school, follow the rules, and try to see the best in everyone.

And then there’s Dumbledore, and he’s just awesome. Here are some other awesome things he said:

“We’re in a time when we must choose between what is right and what is easy.”

And possibly my favorite:

Harry: “Is this real? Or has this been happening inside my head?”

Dumbledore: “Of course it is happening inside your head, Harry, but why on earth should that mean that it is not real?”

What was I going to title this one again?

The Forgotten

Sooo… this is a really weird movie. It wasn’t even close to what I was expecting.

So there’s a lady that has a son and then she doesn’t. It never explains why she did this but she and several other people sent their kids on an airplane with a chi-mo looking like dude and she never sees him again. And as it turns out she’s the only one of the parents that sent off their kids that remembers having one. Everyone else has forgotten the existence of their children. Even her husband forgot about their son.

She sees a therapist who she thinks is for coping reasons and then it turns out that he’s trying to convince her that she never had a son. Enter drunken-lush hockey player. He was a dad that forgot his daughter. She tares down his wall paper revealing little kid drawings his daughter did. Enter dramatic memory montage. He remembers. They go to search for their kiddies.

Car wreck happens.

People get sucked up into the sky.

Cabin hotel they stay in gets sucked into the sky.

More stuff happens.

The end.

WEIRD movie. I didn’t reveal the ending so you can watch yourself and find out.

The cinematography was good. It was very dramatic. The story was good as well… well… the idea was interesting enough. It could have been executed a bit better though.

I don’t know what else to say. What were we talking about? Hmmmm… that’s weird. I’m drawing a complete blank on what I was doing here. Huh. Well, whatever. Read our blog for the next review done by Brittany “gorgeous-face” Stoker.

We can hold hands under the table.

So we decided to do a combined review for the three Charlie Brown movies on our list. These movies raise not a few controversial questions sent in by fake readers that we are going to now fake answer for all of you:

Which of the Peanuts gang do you feel you relate to best and why?

Brittany: I wish I could say Lucy. That girl’s got sass. In reality I am probably more like Schroeder. I don’t talk to people. I want to be left alone pretty much all the time. But I don’t play the piano as well.

Stephen: I would like to say the great Snoopy; however, I’m not that cool. I’d say Linus. He’s got the kind-hearted-I-know-things kind of attitude that I have.

The character of Charlie Brown is based on the life of the creator of Charlie Brown, Charles M. Schulz. Isn’t that interesting?

Brittany: Yes.

Stephen: Yup.

A Charlie Brown Christmas contains some of the best dance moves to ever hit the big screen. Or small screen. Really, any screen. Whose dance is your favorite?

Brittany: My favorite dancer doesn’t have a name but it’s the kid in the yellow shirt and the buzz cut who does a fabulous rendition of an Irish jig. I wish I could do it. All the boys would come to my yard.

Stephen: I say Linus, not because I think that I’d be him but because it makes me giggle.

If you were to date any one of the Peanuts gang, who would it be?

Brittany: I would absolutely go for the underdog. I would date Charlie. He’s the depressed brooding type that speaks to my heart. I like to save people from their miserable lives and slowly make them even more miserable.

Stephen: I’d go for Marci. She’s got the potential to one day achieve the hot secretary look. I also like girls with glasses. I don’t know why but it does it for me.

If you were Charlie Brown, would you give in and date Peppermint Patti or continue to pine after the nameless and ambivalent redheaded girl?

Brittany: Charlie just needs to let go of the girl with the red hair. I mean what’s this business about her giving him the cold shoulder in the Valentines Day movie? It’s just not right the way she treats him. Peppermint Patti will love him forever. Although annoyingly. And Patti has red hair too. Charlie shouldn’t be so vain.

Stephen: I would give in and date Patti. She is the controlling girl that he needs. She also has faith in him when no one else does. She likes him for the guy he is and truly nobody else does.

You are watching Lucy pull the football out from in front of Charlie Brown. Do you sit and laugh at him or punch Lucy in her crap lousy face?

Brittany: It’s a tough question because you’re pitting my hero (Lucy) against my fictional, brooding, animated love crush. In the end, however, I am always going to err on the side of meanness. Laugh it up. That stuff’s funny.

Stephen: Having been in poor Chuck’s shoes, I feel that punching Lucy in the face would only yield temporary satisfaction and not the psychological damage she deserves. If it were me I’d wait until I grow-up and become the virile man I’m destined to be (still waiting btw) and then ask her out and stand her up without notice. Just leave her waiting at her house and then drive by and honk with a more attractive girl by my side. Brittany, we have to drive by a couple of houses tonight.

Brittany: I’m sure I don’t know what you mean.

Why do you suppose that the adults in the Charlie Brown movies don’t have actual voices or faces?

Brittany: It’s probably because Charlie Brown movies are no place for adults. I once heard a theory that when Charles Schulz created these cartoons, the adults were dropping the F bomb and talked about sex pretty much all the time so they decided that in order to cater the movies to a younger audience, they just wouldn’t have any adults in it at all, or would make the adults voices a series of “wah wah wah’s”. But that’s speculation.

Stephen: You just made that up.

Brittany: You’re right.

In It’s the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown, Chuck makes a ghost costume but puts too many holes in it. Your buddy makes a ridiculous Halloween costume. Do you make fun of him for it or keep your mouth shut?

Brittany: Make fun of him for it. Definitely the way to go.

Stephen: You make fun of him for it unless he’s me. If you make fun of me I have the wit and speed to come up with some pretty awesome come-backs. “Where did you get those clothes? At the… toilet store?”

Brittany: It was the jerk store, actually. And they’d like you to come back because you were their #1 seller. Zing!

In A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving, Charlie Brown has people coming over for Thanksgiving dinner but doesn’t know how to cook other than toast (but can’t butter it himself) and popcorn. Describe the worst Thanksgiving dinner you ever had.

Brittany: One time my whole family went to California for Thanksgiving for a soccer tournament my little sister was in. I decided that I was not going to give into Courtney-worship and I stayed home. I lied and told my parents I was spending Thanksgiving with a friend. (I did debate calling one of my friends and inviting myself over last minute, but I didn’t want to stoop to Patti’s level when she invites herself to Chuck’s in the movie.) I wandered the streets of my hometown like a homeless person, peering in all my neighbors’ windows. It was sad.

Stephen: In Mexico there is no Thanksgiving. I missed it. Twice.

A Charlie Brown Christmas is all about Charlie Brown & Co. discovering the true meaning of Christmas. What does Christmas mean to you?

Brittany: Homemade donuts. I’ve never had homemade donuts on Christmas but it seems like that should be my new Christmas tradition.

Stephen: Amen to what Brittany just said. That sounds like my kind of Christmas.

She never gets old.

A Beautiful Mind. I LOVE THIS MOVIE! On my list of favorite movies this one occupies the 2nd spot.

The acting is fantastic. Russel Crowe plays a very convincing Jon Nash. Every little detail of his demeanor indicates his state of mind. I’m trying my best to not give the plot away so if it sounds like I’m beating around the bush it’s because I am. Jennifer Connelly is stunning in both appearance and acting. (I still love you more Brittany.) Her portrayal of the role assigned was executed to perfection. Ed Harris is www.thebomb.com. Paul Bettany? Don’t even get me started because I could go on for hours. He, I think, has the most demanding stage presence of any actor I’ve seen in a film in our day and age. His ability to draw your attention and keep you riveted is undeniably powerful. He may be a super hero. Actorman, here to save the day from having to sit and witness actresses like Katie Holmes. He’s good is all I’m saying.

The cinematography is great and above all else the music, OH! It make my heart sing to the heavens for joy!

All in all what I’m trying to say is that you NEED to watch this movie. 5 stars. The twinkly kind. Like actual stars, not the metaphorical kind used to rate a film’s quality. I actually purchased stars on their behalf. You can do that you know.

Any way I want you all to tune in next time for Brittany’s review of Becoming Jane. It’ll be good. The review not the movie. Well really I don’t know for sure but I speculate that I will want to slam my head through a wall. Peace out interwebs!

she has saliva in her mouth

Today’s movie was one that is near and dear to my heart. I am glad that I was the one to get to review it because today, in between 2,500 Sunday naps we watched my favorite movie of all time. Bandits.

I don’t know what it is about this movie that makes me feel so glorious inside. It is so snarky and delicious, and Billy Bob Thornton actually plays a really great character as the hypochondriac who tells someone mid-bank robbery that the teller is out sick with vaginitis and cuts the spaghetti of one of the bank president’s children at dinner. It just seems so unpredictable (I say that now, after seeing it some odd 23 times) and so smart.

What I love about Bandits is it doesn’t stoop to the classic comedic fillers. There is no farting or incessant swearing. Every line is delivered with a straight face, as when the characters Terry and Harvey are sitting on the front porch and Terry asks Harvey if he thinks he is achieving their goal of being inconspicuous. Harvey, decked out in a white cowboy hat, white snakeskin boots, and a bright blue Elvis jumpsuit, responds: “Absolutely. Do you like my boots?” Classic.

If you are going to watch only part of this movie, I would suggest watching the last fifteen minutes. The last fifteen minutes of this movie is about the best last fifteen minutes of any movie ever made. Everything is wrapped up into a neat little package and somehow I am always surprised at how it all comes together. Like I said before, totally unpredictable. Totally great. Especially after movies like When in Rome and The Proposal and a whole slieu of Nicholas Sparks books-turned-movies.

I feel inspired to add the following spoiler alert for any Nicholas Sparks movies ever made: They fall in love and then one of them gets cancer and dies. That is his template. Enjoy. You will not see Nights in Rodanthe, A Walk to Remember, or The Last Song on this list ever, ever, ever. The reason why? Because I can cover reviews of all of those movies with one review that consists of the following sentence: People getting sick and dying, leaving behind their loved ones, is lame. No stars.

Oh yeah, Bandits. So the soundtrack is also delightful. Ten stars for Bob Dylan. And so is Cate Blanchett. Ten stars for Bob Dylan. Please stay tuned for next time, when Papa Bear gets to review Batman Begins. I might die. I had to watch this like a week ago. Life = could be over.