I am Mu Shu Fasa. You must not be troubled, Cho-Simba-One.

I don’t know if this movie really should ever be seen by anyone, ever. And in case you didn’t know, I am talking about Kung Pow: Enter the Fist. Among other things, the first sign that the movie is no bueno is they set it all up at the end for a sequel, which in case you wondered, never happened. Sequels to dumb movies are usually even dumber. Ask Dumb & Dumber and ask those folks if they might disagree.

Anyway, you can all pretty much guess where I’m going with this. Dumb movies are equal to or greater than good. So I kind of love this movie. But the kind of love that I have for Disneyland. Where I can just see it once every five years, and that’s probably sufficient. How then does it happen that this is the second time I’ve watched it in the past year?

The one-liners. They just get me. There are so many, and they are so good. See, the whole movie is about this guy, The Chosen One, whose family is all killed by the evil Betty. As a result, The Chosen One is raised by desert rodents and later goes on a mission to avenge his family’s death. (“He took everything from me! A family I never knew!”)

Along the way, a bunch of really indiscernible things happen, and none of it–and I mean none of it–makes a lick of sense.  It’s just funny because it is dubbed over an old 70s kung fu flick, with Steve Oedekerk dubbed in and voice overs redoing the whole thing. It’s really, really great.

But again, only once every few years. Don’t get crazy and think you can watch this twice in a year and still like it. But ultimately, if you are a fan of classic one-liners, ridiculous voice overs, and ancient special effects… this might be the movie choice for you.

Now who wants to come over and watch Labyrinth for me? That movie freaks me out and I hate it.

I’m actually dating anybody else right now.

I’m not sure why I have yet to find anybody that likes Just Go With It as much as Steve and I do. I feel Will Ferrell/Stranger than Fiction flashbacks when I watch it (another movie that no one but me seemed to like), but whatever. Sure, it’s Adam Sandler, which can only mean that the whole story line is a wee bit flimsy, and sure, Jennifer Aniston can do so much better. (I loved her in The Good Girl. Come back, Good Girl!) but it’s got so much good in it.

For example, Nick Swardson is in it. If you don’t know Nicholas, I will remind you of the crazy stalker dude that sends Jimmy a cup of his blood in Blades of Glory. He’s also got some pretty good stand-up stuff. Not that I would know personally. But I’m married to a Nick Swardson’s #1 fan, and I hear, “Nicholas, you’re the strongest boy in the world!” about 90 times a day. It’s pretty good. Google it. “Nick Swardson strongest boy in the world” and you won’t regret it.

Anyway, so that was fun wasn’t it? Nick Swardson’s character has the majority of the real golden one-liners in this movie, but for some reason IMDB didn’t use any of them. Oh well.

I’ll get to some of the other good things this movie holds in a minute, but first, the movie synopsis. Adam Sandler is Danny, a guy who picks up chicks by pretending he’s married and that his wife is this awful woman who beats him and stuff. Yeah, we’re off to a great start. Anyway, as it turns out, he really and truly falls for Palmer, the one girl that he’s met through honest means, but she finds a wedding ring in his pocket, and demands an explanation.

That’s when the lie starts. Danny explains away the wedding ring by telling Palmer he’s married but is getting divorced. Danny pays his assistant to pretend to be his awful wife and tell Palmer herself that they are getting a divorce. Then through a series of random events, Palmer finds out that Danny’s assistant (wife) has kids, who would naturally be Danny’s kids, and wants to meet them. So Danny gets the kids roped up in this, and one of the kid blackmails Danny into taking the whole “family” (plus girlfriend, plus the “wife’s” “boyfriend,” played by Nick Swardson) to Hawaii.

And it’s funny.

So other good parts of the movie – it’s not at all as predictable as you think it would be. There is no moment at the end where the girl finds out about the lying and flips out. There are no sudden airport chases at the end of the movie. Nobody chases anyone else in a taxi through rush hour traffic. Palmer doesn’t throw a fit about the love of her life lying to her. But it still has a good heartwarming ending that warms the soul and touches tenderly the heart. Or some such nonsense.

Anyway, you should see it, because we like it. And you should see Stranger than Fiction, because that’s also funny. I might be the only one to think so. But mine is the only opinion that should matter anyway. You’re good.

I’m pregnant.

I haven’t seen Junior in like a million years before now, and let me tell you something. The refresher was awesome! In case you’ve been living in a cave since the early 90s, this movie is about two doctors, who are denied FDA approval for a drug that would pretty much make miscarriage a thing of the past. They decide to take matters into their own hands, and get this. They make Arnold Schwarzenegger pregnant! Could a movie be any better than this? I think not.

Anyway, so Arnie is all pregnant, and he’s all hopped up on hormones, and his behavior is a lot like another favorite movie of mine (also on this list), Mr. Mom. He has the cravings, the hyperdrive emotions, mood swings, the whole bit. And it’s just amazing, is all I’m saying. Danny Devito… I can’t remember what I was going to say about him, because I just remembered to add “Renaissance Man” to my Pinterest and came back and forgot I was writing a blog.

Anyway, the whole cast is amazing. That may be what I was getting at. There’s the one lady. And Emma Thompson, whom I love. And Danny DeVito, whom I love. And Arnold, who I kind of loved before I discovered how freaking messed up he is. He is/was kind of like The Rock of the 80s/90s. You know what I mean? Big tough guy, kind of scary looking, starts out in some really BA movies and then turns to meaningless fluffy films. I’m talking to you, Kindergarten Cop. And stop laughing, The Tooth Fairy, you’re part of this too.

Anyway, so Arnold is pregnant, and the other lady is pregnant, and typical early 90s shenanigans happen, and the whole thing is utterly ridiculous. And awesome. Because “utterly ridiculous” and “awesome” are, for all intents and purposes, completely the same thing in my book. If you haven’t seen it in the last five days or so, I highly recommend it. Steve liked it even more this time around because now he can truly appreciate the psychotic nature of a pregnant person.

Now stay tuned for another ridiculous/awesome film about a pregnant person, Juno, reviewed by Steve!

We’re gonna miss our flight! Who cares? WATER!

I am passionately in love with the man known as Jerry Seinfeld. This movie isn’t really a movie. It’s JerJer’s final stand-up show he did, and it’s about the best thing I have ever seen. There are so many golden nuggets of wisdom in it.

Jerry Seinfeld is the last known survivor in an age of truly great comedians, none of whom, as far as I know, are doing the stand-up thing anymore. I’m speaking mainly of Paul Reiser (I loved Mad About You!), Larry Miller, Garry Shandling, Jay Leno (who was funny before he did The Tonight Show). And then there’s Jerry Seinfeld.

The “movie” starts out with a little sequence where they’re setting the viewer up. Seinfeld is having a funeral with a casket full of audio cassette tapes and all the jokes he’s written down. There is a host of other comedians (see paragraph above) at the funeral, all with their own little cameo, Larry Miller shedding a tear, Garry Shandling nodding solemnly when Jerry mentions the Ventriloquist Scare of ’84. It’s comedic gold. At any rate, I’m kind of stretching for a synopsis, but there really isn’t one.

The point of the blog is Jerry Seinfeld is simply the funniest person known to man. And he’s funny on his own merit. He doesn’t fart, burp, talk about farting or burping, but uses real life situations and reminds you of how hilarious human nature is. I almost pee my pants every time I hear his bit about expiration dates because he reaches into my brain and spills all of my deep dark secrets. He just gets me. He just gets people. And it’s good.

So basically, I love Seinfeld. I love this “movie,” and I love the TV show in all of its pointless glory. And I don’t mean to brag or anything, but I found the sixth season (the last remaining season that I was missing!) on sale at Black Friday. And you can’t put a price on a find like that. Except you can. It was $7.99… eight dollars of pure awesome.

Now if you have a soul, you will click this link: Do YOU have milk?

I slipped on a crab. Who put that crab there?

Ah. I look out there on all you wonderful guys and I say to myself, “What I wouldn’t give to be 20 years younger… and a woman!”

Who knew Hot Shots would make me kind of sad to watch it now? Charlie Sheen is such a crazyperson that it was difficult to watch him do such funny things without thinking about how messed up he is.

But let’s face it, this movie is pretty messed up. Which is why I love it. I love anything with Lloyd Bridges, a man I fell in love with the first time I ever saw Joe vs. the Volcano, a movie that we unfortunately do not possess but remains a favorite based on the way that Lloyd Bridges says, “Wamponi-woo!”

But I digress (as per usual). The movie is a spoof of Top Gun, the movie that made Tom Cruise famous, I’m pretty sure. But it’s a spoof the way that the 80s/early 90s did spoofs. That is to say they were clean, didn’t resort to sex and farting, were basically just silly, and starred Lloyd Bridges.

I would give you a synopsis, but I really have a hard time between all the silliness (to include a chihuahua that is constantly being sat upon, a chafing dish, and every scene that contains Lloyd Bridges) gleaning any sort of plot line from the movie. From what I can gather, Harley is a pilot in the navy who was kicked out for insubordination, and then is asked to come back. I think he’s asked to come back and so the navy can make an example of him and he will die.

But anyway, his Indian chief needs AA batteries for his walkman, so Harley agrees to fly the super secret danger mission and get the batteries on the way back. With a mishmash of messed up compadres, Harley flies the super secret danger mission and doesn’t die but really saves the day, and Lloyd Bridges is still awesome. That’s about it.

So if you haven’t seen the movie, and you like 80s/early 90s comedy adventures that make little to no sense, star Lloyd Bridges, and have ridiculous quotes like the one I listed as the subject of today’s blog, go ahead and see this movie.

I don’t know that I have ever seen the sequel, which we will be reviewing next, but I don’t have a lot of faith in sequels to spoofs. So just remember Hot Shots = good. Hot Shots II = Probably less good. But we’ll see what the Bear has to say about it.