You remind me of the babe.

The Labyrinth

This movie is a blast from my past like no other. When we were kids we would watch this all the time. I love it. I really do.

When we were kids we would sped the day after school with my grandma while my mom would work later shifts. This was not the most awesome situation but I know that it was one of the man sacrifices that my mom made because she loves us. While at grandma’s house we would always watch movies to pass the time. it made it easier on my grammers and made me gain a love for film that would never be satisfied. I will always love movies for this reason. one of the cinematic staples was this movie.

Jim Henson has had a huge impact on my life. Pretty much all of his films. Everything from the Muppets take Manhattan to the Muppets movie that just came out. They’re just good. family oriented and fun. This one was in what I think was his experimental phase. It’s a little bit (a lot a bit) dark and bizarre. I think that those oare a couple of the reasons that I like it as much as I do.

It stars a young and awkward Jennifer Connely. I know it’s hard to believe that Jennifer connely could have been awkward. She just seems to excreting grace and beauty wherever she goes. But it is true pubescent Jenny was not hot… or a good actress. She seriously sucked. David Bowie rounds out the cast as the villain, Jareth the goblin king. I liked him as a villain when I was a kid but now seeing it as an adult all I could see was uncomfortably form fitting pants. You can see everything in disgusting detail.

This is what it’s about. Jenny is a girl that is a brat and only has friends that can serve a purpose for her. If you’re useless then you can’t be her friend. She has to babysit her little baby brother and in her teenage angst she wishes for the goblin king to come take her bro away… right now.

Well he does take the baby. to the castle beyond the goblin city in the center of the labyrinth. She goes on her search to get him back. not because she loves him but because her dad will kill her if he comes home and the baby is gone.

She meets Hoggle. A dwarf with a bad attitude. Not to be confused with the one angry dwarf from the Ben Folds song. This fellah is just a terd. He shows her how to get into the labyrinth. She runs for a while and finds a worm that serves as a worthless GPS by sending her the wrong direction. She runs around and sees weird Jim Henson puppets and meets a large hairy beast named Ludo. He’s cool. He can’t speak in complete sentences but gets the point across.

Now things keep going on in this fashion for the whole movie until the end where she finally finds the Bowster in all of his tight panted glory and saves the day by saying 6 words. Who would’ve thought that that was all it took? She would have saved herself like 13 hours if she would have remembered those little words.

Anyway, it’s fun and I think that everyone whould watch it at least once before they die.

Next up is my review of Lars and the real Girl. yes it will be a different post. Deal with it!

Off to Terre Haute. Only this time, there was no turning back.

I don’t even remember what this movie was called. It was a documentary about Larry Bird, so we’re going to call it Larry Bird: The Movie!

And since it was a documentary, and since Steve said it didn’t count as a movie, and since there was no storyline to speak of, I’ll keep my synopsis brief: Larry Bird chops wood. Larry Bird has a molestache. Larry Bird has a mullet. Larry Bird is really good at passing. Larry Bird makes some three pointers. Larry Bird shoots from the top of the key. Larry Bird, despite all of his hard work, somehow doesn’t win every single game possible.

That’s right, folks. We watched and watched for several hours, it seems, with some guy telling us how awesome Larry Bird is. And then at the end of every sentence, after sitting through several bad basketball metaphors, the narrator of Larry Bird’s life says, “But the Celtics lost.” Or the statement of eternal sads: “That year, Indiana State won every game they played except one… But they did it without Larry Bird.”

What the crap, Narrator? If Larry Bird was so awesome, why even bother mentioning that he lost like, 90 percent of the games they played in? Why even bother mentioning that he spent several years of his life not in school, sweeping garbage out of the streets in French Lick, Indiana? Why get my hopes up at all? You have to know that of all the people in the world who care about basketball, Stephen and I don’t make the cut? Why get us to care, even fleetingly, about this man who was apparently the greatest basketball player to ever live, and then tell us about how he lost all the time?

Basically, I’m eternally disappointed in Larry Bird. Honestly. I was seriously impressed watching his moves. I witnessed with my own two eyeballs him making a shot from half court, while running, with two seconds left in the game. You’ve got impressive things like that on your resume, you better have a documentary about you with a narrator who lies. You better have a narrator who tells you that the Larry Bird molestache of the 80s inspired a new superbreed of humans or something. Anything less, you’re just going to disappoint your viewers.

So anyway, the movie was all about the games and championships that Larry Bird lost, while simultaneously showing a steady stream of awesome layups (yeah, I know what a layup is, jerk!), game-saving three pointers, and games that were really too close (76 to 74 against the Lakers in 86) for someone who has a documentary made about him, available on VHS through Freecycle (that’s how I got it, anyway).

So I guess I don’t understand the hype. His moves look choreographed. He makes basketball look easy, which is saying something, because I know it’s not. I was politely dismissed in my ninth grade P.E. class during our basketball section to not participate anymore. Something about slowing everyone else down. (I hit my stride when we got to–I kid you not–ping pong–and was allowed to rejoin the throng.)

So I know it’s a little disjointed, but when has our blog been anything but? The point is, I think there are a whole lot of other people who should have documentaries done about them. People who won more basketball games than Larry Bird did, for example. I’m just saying, if you’re going to praise the guy for an hour straight, don’t let me down by following it up with, “And then Larry Bird got old, started hurting his knee every game, and died.”

Kidding. I know Larry Bird can’t die.

I am Mu Shu Fasa. You must not be troubled, Cho-Simba-One.

I don’t know if this movie really should ever be seen by anyone, ever. And in case you didn’t know, I am talking about Kung Pow: Enter the Fist. Among other things, the first sign that the movie is no bueno is they set it all up at the end for a sequel, which in case you wondered, never happened. Sequels to dumb movies are usually even dumber. Ask Dumb & Dumber and ask those folks if they might disagree.

Anyway, you can all pretty much guess where I’m going with this. Dumb movies are equal to or greater than good. So I kind of love this movie. But the kind of love that I have for Disneyland. Where I can just see it once every five years, and that’s probably sufficient. How then does it happen that this is the second time I’ve watched it in the past year?

The one-liners. They just get me. There are so many, and they are so good. See, the whole movie is about this guy, The Chosen One, whose family is all killed by the evil Betty. As a result, The Chosen One is raised by desert rodents and later goes on a mission to avenge his family’s death. (“He took everything from me! A family I never knew!”)

Along the way, a bunch of really indiscernible things happen, and none of it–and I mean none of it–makes a lick of sense.  It’s just funny because it is dubbed over an old 70s kung fu flick, with Steve Oedekerk dubbed in and voice overs redoing the whole thing. It’s really, really great.

But again, only once every few years. Don’t get crazy and think you can watch this twice in a year and still like it. But ultimately, if you are a fan of classic one-liners, ridiculous voice overs, and ancient special effects… this might be the movie choice for you.

Now who wants to come over and watch Labyrinth for me? That movie freaks me out and I hate it.

Broth runs through our veins.

Kung Fu Panda

I like this movie. Brittany doesn’t so much. I think it’s hilarious. It’s a good kids movie that has some appeal to adults without being total potty humor.

The panda kind of reminds me of me a little bit. Not because I’m fat but because when I was a young cub I wasn’t too fond of who I was. I got picked on a bit because I was short, chubby and like choir and theater and such. It wasn’t the cool stuff to like. I didn’t feel accepted in a lot of social circles. But then came one day when I said “you know what? I’m going to do what makes me happy! You all can just go be miserable people who can only feel joy by making others feel weak!” Yeah I was bitter. Po was similarly distraught.his dad (a goose) was obsessed with Po one day being in charge of their family noodle restaurant but all Po wanted was to learn Kung Fu.

Now it didn’t end up happening in quite the manner in which he intended. It goes a little something like this. There is this place close to where they live called the Jade Palace. There reside some of China’s greatest Kung Fu warriors. of them is a Turtle who is ancient and basically unraveled the mysteries of the universe. Long ago He had a revelation to make this thing called the Dragon Scroll. On it was written the information that would make one warrior the most powerful fighter in all of fightingdom.

On this particular day the Turtle says “Hey, we need to decide who will be the Dragon Warrior.” So they hold this ceremony and everyone in the entire village goes so they can see who it’ll be. Naturally Po wants to go to this. He hits the trail, while taking a noodle cart upon his father’s request, but he can’t make it up the stairs. He finally ditches the cart and lumbers his girth up all of the way just  to arrive right when the gates close. He frantically thinks of a way to get in so he can satiate his nerdy desires.

He fashions a chair with fire works with the hope of shooting himself over the walls. He does but just in time to land right in front of the Turtle while he’s selecting the Dragon Warrior. You guessed it, it’s him. Po the mighty panda Dragon Warrior.

The teacher which is some animal that I have no idea what is but Brittany tells me that he’s some hybrid bear racoon, thinks that this panda thing is a big ole fatty mistake. He tried everything in his power to get Po to quit but the fool just kept asking for more punishment.

Disaster strikes. The uber villain Tai-lung (why a tai lung? I don’t know. I would’ve at least been consistent and said Chinese-lung or something) escapes from his inescapable prison. He makes his way to the jade palace to take the dragon scroll for his own selfish desires. The thing with him is that master Shifu (coonbear thingy) trained him from a baby. He was practically his son. He thought that he would be the Dragon Warrior but it turns out that Turtle saw something that Coonbear did not see. He had the evil in him.

So things happen, Po Learns Kung Fu and the day is saved.

It’s got a lot more to it than that but it should be seen in order to be appreciated. Go rent it, or buy it, or jump your young cousin and steal it form only to turn around and give it back to him. you won’t regret it, I promise.

Tune in next post! This instruction is for our fan(I leave it singular because only one person ever comments or clicks the little like button. I’m talking about you Clint. We love you!). Read our opinion of Kung Pow: Enter the Fist! Brittany wrote it so it should be a delight.

Geoooooooooooooooooooorge!

I don’t know how I feel about The King and I, if I’m being honest with you. I don’t even know who you are, if I’m being honest with you. Is there anybody out there?

Anyway, instead of ringing in the New Year like cool people, Steve and I rang in the New Year watching the incredibly long cinematic suppository known as The King and I. But I don’t give it enough credit, because I actually do like it okay. It’s got just the right amount of racism for my taste, and I love more than anything spontaneous musical numbers and dramatic solo dancing kings.

Besides, it reminds me of this song from The Drowsy Chaperone (sorry about the less-than-top-quality video, but it’s all I could find):

In case you were born yesterday, The King and I is a musical about the King of Siam and the relationship that develops between him and Anna Leonowens, the British schoolteacher sent to teach the King’s children and his wives about western science and shiz. Which she does. And the King’s shenanigans and the schoolteacher’s propriety often get entangled, resulting in funny-ish things happening.

But it is really long.

So basically, I have mixed feelings about this movie. I love it because I love musicals, and pretty much most ridiculous movies from the 50s, another particular favorite also starring Deborah Kerr, An Affair to Remember. Vertigo, Gigi, Singin’ in the Rain… the 50s was a good decade for film. But I am losing track of things.

The acting is awful, and the visual effects are awful, and I have never been to Thailand or anything, but it seems kind of racist to me. Looking at it objectively, it really is an awful movie by today’s standards. Which is precisely why I love it so much.

Basically, if you have very little else to do with your life, and feel the need to watch a movie that would be fun to watch in silence and make up your own words to… I would suggest The King and I.  Not saying that’s what we did, but just that I can imagine.

So next Friday night, prepare the popcorn, come prepared with some conversation topics to carry you through not only the overture and opening credits (which by themselves make up an hour of the movie), but also the intermission and the Siamese interpretation of Stowe’s classic novel, Uncle Tom’s Cabin (the interpretation which coincidentally provides the topic for today’s review), and ad lib away. You will not regret it.

It really is a gorgeous mustache.

Killers

I hadn’t seen this movie prior to the other night when Brittany and I watched it and I sadly wish that I would have. It was awesome. It was really funny, really witty, action packed and it had a Ferrari. What else could a guy ask for? How about Katherine Heigl?***  Well guess what fellahs. You got her.

So here’s the skinny. Ashton Kutcher… get it… he’s skinny… anyone… please be laughing at home. Anyway the story goes thusly. Ahem. The Heigs is a single gal who recently got dumped and goes to France with her parents in order to get away from real life. She bumps into a shirtless Ashter and awkwardly flirts with him. He asks her out to dinner, swims to a boat, puts a bomb on a helicopter, blows it up and meets her at the restaurant. They start dating instantly.

They have some uncomfortable moments and then a flash forwards happens. He asks Tom Selleck (her dad) for her hand in marriage. Tom acquiesces his request and goes along with it.

Ashter leaves behind the life of an assassin and starts leading a normal life as some constructiony type but on the office side of things. He gets contacted by his old boss and then the mess hits the fan. Killers come out from everywhere and start to try to kill him. One is his boss, one is the office slut and one is the super annoying friend of The Heigs. They’re just everywhere.

They avoid several killings and one thing leads to another and they find out who was the one behind the order to knock him off. I won’t tell you though because it’s something you need to see.

The Action sequences were neat and well choreographed. I liked them. The assassins were funny in the fact that they were just ordinary people before they went into destructo mode. There’s also a really hot Ferrari in the beginning of the film and that makes me all sorts of warm and fuzzy.

Overall I give it two enthusiastic thumbs up. I’d give it third one but I’m not currently in possession of a third thumb. Go rent it and watch it. You may only regret it if you have no taste in action cinema.

tune in next time for our next review. The King and I. I’m not too excited for it but who knows maybe I’ll zone out for the nine hours that it seems to last and it’ll go by like the blink of an eye. Paz afuera!

*** disclaimer: I think that she is an attractive woman but I think that my wife is hotter. My wife is a mormon that follows the teachings of her parents, unlike Katherine Heigl who is a mormon that doesn’t do those things.

I’m actually dating anybody else right now.

I’m not sure why I have yet to find anybody that likes Just Go With It as much as Steve and I do. I feel Will Ferrell/Stranger than Fiction flashbacks when I watch it (another movie that no one but me seemed to like), but whatever. Sure, it’s Adam Sandler, which can only mean that the whole story line is a wee bit flimsy, and sure, Jennifer Aniston can do so much better. (I loved her in The Good Girl. Come back, Good Girl!) but it’s got so much good in it.

For example, Nick Swardson is in it. If you don’t know Nicholas, I will remind you of the crazy stalker dude that sends Jimmy a cup of his blood in Blades of Glory. He’s also got some pretty good stand-up stuff. Not that I would know personally. But I’m married to a Nick Swardson’s #1 fan, and I hear, “Nicholas, you’re the strongest boy in the world!” about 90 times a day. It’s pretty good. Google it. “Nick Swardson strongest boy in the world” and you won’t regret it.

Anyway, so that was fun wasn’t it? Nick Swardson’s character has the majority of the real golden one-liners in this movie, but for some reason IMDB didn’t use any of them. Oh well.

I’ll get to some of the other good things this movie holds in a minute, but first, the movie synopsis. Adam Sandler is Danny, a guy who picks up chicks by pretending he’s married and that his wife is this awful woman who beats him and stuff. Yeah, we’re off to a great start. Anyway, as it turns out, he really and truly falls for Palmer, the one girl that he’s met through honest means, but she finds a wedding ring in his pocket, and demands an explanation.

That’s when the lie starts. Danny explains away the wedding ring by telling Palmer he’s married but is getting divorced. Danny pays his assistant to pretend to be his awful wife and tell Palmer herself that they are getting a divorce. Then through a series of random events, Palmer finds out that Danny’s assistant (wife) has kids, who would naturally be Danny’s kids, and wants to meet them. So Danny gets the kids roped up in this, and one of the kid blackmails Danny into taking the whole “family” (plus girlfriend, plus the “wife’s” “boyfriend,” played by Nick Swardson) to Hawaii.

And it’s funny.

So other good parts of the movie – it’s not at all as predictable as you think it would be. There is no moment at the end where the girl finds out about the lying and flips out. There are no sudden airport chases at the end of the movie. Nobody chases anyone else in a taxi through rush hour traffic. Palmer doesn’t throw a fit about the love of her life lying to her. But it still has a good heartwarming ending that warms the soul and touches tenderly the heart. Or some such nonsense.

Anyway, you should see it, because we like it. And you should see Stranger than Fiction, because that’s also funny. I might be the only one to think so. But mine is the only opinion that should matter anyway. You’re good.

The next time I see that Bleeker kid, I’m gonna punch him right in the wiener.

Juno

So this movie is cute in a pretty messed up sort of way. It’s really witty and quick and all that jazz but it’s making a mockery of a very sensitive subject. You don’t usually see movies about teen pregnancy that are a) bearable to watch and b) not on lifetime.

This is by far one of the best indie style movies I’ve seen, which are admittedly few. I’ve been attracted to this style of film the older and more mature I get. Don’t get me wrong, I still haven’t grown up all the way. I still laugh a fart jokes and think that superheroes  are by far the coolest thing in the known universes (marvel and dc are included in these).

It starts out with cute little Ellen Page walking around he’d neighborhood drinking a gallon of sunny-d. She goes into a pharmacy and takes a pregnancy test and for the third time In a row it comes out positive. Dwight Shrute works at the pharmacy and makes some really funny jokes about how she knocked up.

She tells her best friend, then the guy who would be called dad and then her parents. Doesn’t something seem a little messed up about the order of those informed? In ideal society it would go future dad, parents and then best friend. But let’s face it. This isn’t an ideal society. In a movie about a pregnant teenager they’re not trying to portray an ideal society. This is pretty much how it goes. Unfortunately for parents everywhere, their kids trust their friends more than they do their parents. I hope to become the exception but all parents do and parents don’t get trusted until the child reaches adulthood.

So I’m going to go into a little more depth on the story now. After everyone knows she decided to give the baby up for adoption. She found a nice looking couple in the penny saver magazine and goes to meet with them. the couple is Jason Bateman and big lips Mcgee whose name I can’t remember right now. The ideal looking couple.

Juno finds JB to be pretty cool for an old guy. More shenanigans ensue and she gets more and more pregnant. during this time she has a fight with Bleeker and they stop talking for a little while. She goes and has a n ultra sound and while there the ultra sound tech gets a little self-righteous and says responds to an answer to one of her question very inappropriately. The exchange goes thusly:

Ultrasound Technician: Planning to be surprised when you deliver?
Juno MacGuff: Well, no, but I want Mark and Vanessa to be surprised and if you tell me I’ll just, like, ruin everything.
Ultrasound Technician: Are Mark and Vanessa your friends at school?
Juno MacGuff: No, no, no. They’re the adoptive parents.
Ultrasound Technician: Oh, well thank goodness for that!
Bren: What’s that supposed to mean?
Ultrasound Technician: I just see a lot of teenage mothers come through here and it’s obviously a poisonous environment to raise a baby in.
Juno MacGuff: How do you know I’m so poisonous? What if these adoptive parents turn out to be, like, evil molesters?
Leah: Or, like, stage parents.
Bren: They could be utterly negligent. Maybe they’ll do a far shi***r job of raising a kid than my dumba** step-daughter would. Have you considered that?
Ultrasound Technician: I guess not.
Bren: What is your job title exactly?
Ultrasound Technician: I’m an ultrasound technician, ma’am.
Bren: Well, I’m a nail technician and I think we both ought to just stick to what we know.
Ultrasound Technician: Excuse me?
Bren: Oh, you think you’re so special because you get to play Picture Pages up there? Well, my five year old daughter could do that and let me tell you, she’s not the brightest bulb in the tanning bed. So why don’t you go back to night school in Mantino and learn a real trade.

I like how the step mom tells her off. So more of the movie happens and it has a pretty cool twist at the end.

I’ not going to go into anymore detail because of the simple fact that I can’t do it justice. It really is a very good movie. Even more so now that I’ve lived with a woman while she was pregnant. It is just simply put awesome. Go watch it if you have seen and go watch it again if you have already seen it. Thanks for reading and have yourselves a merry little Christmas just in case you don’t hear from me before the holiday. Peace (out) on earth!!!

I’m pregnant.

I haven’t seen Junior in like a million years before now, and let me tell you something. The refresher was awesome! In case you’ve been living in a cave since the early 90s, this movie is about two doctors, who are denied FDA approval for a drug that would pretty much make miscarriage a thing of the past. They decide to take matters into their own hands, and get this. They make Arnold Schwarzenegger pregnant! Could a movie be any better than this? I think not.

Anyway, so Arnie is all pregnant, and he’s all hopped up on hormones, and his behavior is a lot like another favorite movie of mine (also on this list), Mr. Mom. He has the cravings, the hyperdrive emotions, mood swings, the whole bit. And it’s just amazing, is all I’m saying. Danny Devito… I can’t remember what I was going to say about him, because I just remembered to add “Renaissance Man” to my Pinterest and came back and forgot I was writing a blog.

Anyway, the whole cast is amazing. That may be what I was getting at. There’s the one lady. And Emma Thompson, whom I love. And Danny DeVito, whom I love. And Arnold, who I kind of loved before I discovered how freaking messed up he is. He is/was kind of like The Rock of the 80s/90s. You know what I mean? Big tough guy, kind of scary looking, starts out in some really BA movies and then turns to meaningless fluffy films. I’m talking to you, Kindergarten Cop. And stop laughing, The Tooth Fairy, you’re part of this too.

Anyway, so Arnold is pregnant, and the other lady is pregnant, and typical early 90s shenanigans happen, and the whole thing is utterly ridiculous. And awesome. Because “utterly ridiculous” and “awesome” are, for all intents and purposes, completely the same thing in my book. If you haven’t seen it in the last five days or so, I highly recommend it. Steve liked it even more this time around because now he can truly appreciate the psychotic nature of a pregnant person.

Now stay tuned for another ridiculous/awesome film about a pregnant person, Juno, reviewed by Steve!

PAUL… PAUL… P-PAUL!!!

Julie and Julia

I was skeptical at first on this one. I still don’t know what to think about it though. I still was a little bit bored during the film because it is phenomenally estrogen driven. I also was bored because it didn’t move as quickly as I would have like to see it move. I wasn’t bored because there was a pretty good conflict. It was also kind of funny in some spots.

SYNOPSIS! There’s this girl that she and her hubbers move to queens. In the movie they go through what happens with Julia Child. She’s moving to Paris and adjusting to the french lifestyle. Queens is having a hard time feeling comfortable in the apartment that they are living in because she’s a big foodie and the kitchen sucks. Julia is having a hard time because she’s a proactive woman and needs something to do.

Queens works for an insurance company or something like that which is handling all of these post 9/11 family tragedies. It’s a depressing job. She hates it and it shows. She tries to find some way to cope with the depressio feelings that she gets from her job and the depressio feelings that she has from having to live in sucky Queens. She make a decision to start a blog where she takes Julia Child’s cook book, Mastering the Art of French Cooking, and makes all of the recipes in one year. A pretty daunting task when you see that there are 500 some odd recipes. But she goes for it and it all looks de-freaking-licious. Seriously, it was giving my stomach the rumblies something fierce.

During this time that Queens is doing all of her stuff it cuts back and forth between her and Julia. Julia Goes to cooking school and is approached by these French cooking goddesses that want her to translate their cook book to English. She struggles with the problems and drama that come with working on a cook book and the pain that comes with being rejected by publishers left and right.

While queens is doing her blog she runs into some of the big conflict which is part of what I mentioned that I liked. She and her husband start having a little bit of a rough patch because she forgets about him and focuses too much on her blog. It alludes to the fact that they haven’t loved each other up in quite a while and he starts getting all frustrated.

Which brings me to something that my wife has quoted a number of times. My wife loves Dr. Laura more than she loves me(that’s not the quote). One of things that the good Dr. has said goes a little something like this, not verbatim, but no man will leave a woman who will provide him with sex and sandwiches. I fully believe this to be true.

Now I’m not just saying this to have my wife be all “I’m proud of you for quoting the good Dr.” but It has some meat to it, and not just in the sandwich. (ba dum bum) If a man has a good woman the will give him BOTH of those things he’s going to be happier than a bird with a french fry. I put both in caps because it goes in pairs. If you’re just getting sandwiches you’ll get frustrated for obvious reasons that I won’t mention because my in-laws will more than likely read this. If you just get the hibbidy dibbidy, then you’ll starve because you’ll forget to feed yourself.

Moving on! She finishes the year of her blog and all is well and they make a movie. I forgot to mention that this is a true story. Julia finishes her book and gets a cooking show.There really is more to the ending than what I told you but that’s because I didn’t want to spoil any of it for you. It was a lot better than I thought it was going to be. Go watch it. You won’t die. I promise.

Tune in next blog for Brittany’s review of Junior. It’s a gooder in case you haven’t seen it. Paz afuera!