I brokeded your toy!

The Longest Yard.

4 words to start out. What was I thinking? I remember liking this movie when it came out and that’s why I bought it but I have only watched it once since I bought it and that was right after the plastic wrap came off. Really not that good.

It’s about Adam Sandler who plays a washed up former NFL MVP. I know, believable right? I didn’t think so either. So he’s a drunk who gets sent to jail for DWI and goes to jail in the middle of Texas. The warden apparently “drafted” him so that he could coach his gaurd football team.

The Team doesn’t think too highly of this. They treat him horribly. But Sandler tells the warden that what the team needs is a good warm up game. A game that they beat the living tar out of the opponent  to boost their spirits. The warden tells Sandler to assemble a team from the inmates there at the jail and they will play the guards.

I know what you’re thinking right now. Jumpin’ jahoosaphat! When do I get to pop it in my DVD player?! Well, this plot of gold doesn’t have a rainbow leading you to it. It’s more like a streaming banner filled with smut prison jokes, an old lady in lingerie and a whole lot of shirtless musclemen.

Burt Reynolds is in it and I like his mustache. That’s about the best thing in the movie. Really. Well… there is one really large black guy in it who is pretty dumb but nicer than a box of kittens. he’s got some pretty funny lines in it. Mostly because the lines that he has are things that a 5 year old would say. Example A: the title to this blog. Example B: Will you teach me to football? These and many more golden nuggets come out of this fellow’s mouth.

Anyway, they recruit a bunch of guys and the inmates win. Sounds awesome huh? Watch it if you dare but if you’re older that 22 and have grown out of toilet prison humor don’t waste your time.

Next we have the best series of all time and I’m freaking excited for it because Brittany gets to review the first one. That’s right, The Lord of the Rings!!! I couldn’t be more excited if I tried to be!

See you later friends!

Look down day-uh… Look ha-dah.

The title is to be read phonetically. The Lion King.

Oh the dear sweet blast from the past. When we were kids I remember going to theaters to watch this movie. I also remember that people were given the opportunity to go watch it in theaters if they happened to miss it the first time it was released because they released it twice. That’s how good it was.

The film still is good so don’t let the last sentence from the last paragraph make you think that I hate it now. I still love it. Mostly for nostalgia’s sake but still much love is had for this film. This movie sports the voice talents of, at the time at least, Hollywood’s biggest stars. Good old prepubescent heart throb Johnathon Taylor Thomas, Matthew Broderick and Nathan Lane. The last 2 are still famous but seriously, what on earth happened to JTT? Did he die? Did he end up being unattractive post puberty? Did people realize that he had very little talent? What happened?

Anyway this movie is about a little lion cub named Simba (JTT) who is destined to be the king of the pride lands. His father, Mufasa, is his hero. Not just because he’s king but because he has the best voice in the universe. You all can thank James Earl Jones for that. JEJ dies in a horrible Wildebeest stampede while trying to save JTT. Now JTT’s uncle Scar (Jeremy Irons) arranged the whole thing so that both JTT and JEJ would get killed and he then would become King.

JI is the embodiment of evil. This is manifested by his English accent and a musical number where he has a bunch of Nazi Hyenas marching in unison for him. It’s really kinda funny how Disney made it so blatantly obvious that the world should be anti-Nazi.

Anyway, The movie goes on to have JTT run away so as to not disgrace the kingdom because it was “his fault” That JEJ was killed. He finds a wild boar and a meerkat named Pumbaa and Timon. They are Jtt’s buddies and they raise him into pubescence where he then becaomes Matthew Broderick.

MB decides toget over the whole it was his fault because it wasn’t. JEJ was just trying to save JTT and JI was the evil one and should be over thrown. MB goes back and banishes JI and takes his place as king. The end.

Watch it to remind yourself of how great childhood was. It was great wasn’t it? Tune in nest time for Birttany’s review of Little Miss Sunshine. Peace out y’all!

I’ve had better?!

Liar Liar

I like this movie because it’s from the days before Jim Carrey went all crazy go nuts. He was not really too wholesome but he was less porny and weird. He was cooky and slap stick funny. those were the days of good familial fun.

This movies is about a dad, his son and his ex-wife. Jim plays dad, a lawyer that is trying to work his way up to being a partner at the firm he works for. A very excellent lawyer but one that doesn’t have his stuff together. He was married once and got divorced for something along the lines of infidelity or something like that, I’m not entirely sure. He has a son that is having a birthday.

He’s invited to the party but misses it because he’s trying to “work his way” up the partnership ladder. So the son hurt as all get out makes his birthday wish that his dad couldn’t tell a lie for one full day. Being a Lawyer makes this extremely difficult for him.

He wakes up after having made the dirty with one of the partners of the firm and she asks him if it was as good for him and he says those immortal lines, “I’ve had better.” Stunned he’s thrown out on his back and goes home. perplexed even to the point where he goes down the elevator of the building that he lives in. What does he find? A very blessed very beautiful woman. He tells her that he would like to engage in inappropriate acts with her and gets punched in the eye.

Awesome antics like this happen throughout the rest of the film.  basically at the end he finds out that lying doesn’t pay off in the end and everyone ends up happy.

I recommend this film to anyone who doesn’t mind the occasional boobs joke. It’s fun and funny, both at the very same time. We watched it on vhs so the quality wasn’t as awesome as it could have been, but we have 2 copies so be the 7th person to comment on this blog from right now on and it could be yours! Consecutive comments don’t count so no making 7 comments just to get a prize. They have to have at least one comment from someone else in between them to count. The winner will be announced as soon as we have one.

Well, we’ll see you later interweb. I love you guys.

I don’t have to do nothing but be black and die!

Lean on Me.

I liked this movie. It’s one of those good feeling be better than everyone thinks that you can be type of movies. Like stand and deliver but blacker.

I am going to shoot out a warning to all of you.  THIS MOVIE IS RACIST. The reason? The high school in the film, Eastside High, in 1967 was the best school in the state. They had maybe one black student but two black teachers. 20 years later the school had become the worst school in the state. They had maybe 10 white students.  Do you see what I mean now about it being racist? It would appear that they are insinuating that the ratio of black to white kids directly affects the academic performance of the school. I kindly disagree. I’m not racist and feel that race has nothing to do with how well a school will perform.

Moving on with the movie. So this school went from best to worst like I said and they decide to get a new principal, Morgan Freeman, who we will call crazy Joe for the remainder of the blog. He is B A. He take absolutely no crap from anyone and lays it out like it is. His job is to turn the school around and make sure that the students pass the basic skills test.

He cleans up the school and expels all of the problem students that are the bullies and drug dealers and such and goes to town on the remaining kids and tells them to be smarter or die. Well not die but be smarter or not have a cool school anymore.

He does his job and everyone goes home happy. Except this one mouthy beast woman who tries to get crazy Joe fired.

The acting  in this movie is really well done and I think it really showcases crazy Joe’s talent. He’s awesome and really awesome in this movie.

I recommend that everyone sees this movie prior to their imminent demise. It’s worth it. You can come over and watch it with us, we’d be happy to have you over.

Well I think that this is it for this post. If you read this post, please comment or at least like it so we know that we’re doing this for a reason other than to take up space on the internet. Please. Seriously, we need some validation here.

Thanks everyone… or thanks to you the one person that reads this. We love you.

No thank you. I’m not really in the mood for porn today.

Lars and the Real Girl

I love this movie. It’s one of my favorites and I’ll tell you why in a minute. FIrst off I’m going to give a shout out to this blog’s sponsor. DISNEYLAND!! (they did not and do not sponsor us) We just got back from there and I wanted to make mention of them and also make known that we’ve been home for 4 hours and instead of taking a nice road trip nap, I’m writing a blog. GO BLOG!!

This movie is surprisingly heart warming. I had to put that in there for Brittany’s piece of mind. All silliness aside, it really is. When I heard about it the first time I thought that it could get really dirty very easily but seriously, I almost cried at a couple of points.

It’s about Lars, played by pretty Ryan Gosling (I don’t think he’s pretty but every female ever apparently does), a mild-mannered feller who has some… isms. He doesn’t interact with people very well. and doesn’t like people touching him.

One day he walks into work and this pig that he works with shows him this web site where you can order anatomically correct sex dolls. Red flag right? Wrong. He appears to think nothing of it. Next thing you know there’s an over-sized package being delivered to his house.

He doesn’t use it for its intended purpose per say. He does use it as a girlfriend but he doesn’t… “do” it. His brain created an entire background for her. when people bring up that it’s a doll and not a real person he ignores it like they didn’t even say anything. His sister-in-law is really supportive and goes along with it. In fact the whole town does because Lars is such a nice fellah.

Her name is Bianca and she makes a huge impact on the town. She gets a job as a mannequin, gets elected to the PTA and volunteers at church and stuff. She’s a real go-getter kind of girl.

Ryan Gosling has my respect for this role. He could have made it really goofy really easily but he took the part of Lars and made him super lovable. He’s nice, kind, gentlemanly and has a heart of pure gold. He’s also awkward around people. Some traumatic thing, I can’t remember specifically what, happened to him when he was a kid and he gets super standoffish. Ryan has everything down on this character, the mannerisms, the way he talks and how he interacts with Bianca.

I would recommend this movie to anyone and everyone. Seriously. Everyone should see this because aside from being a serious movie, it has its funny moments. This old lady at church at the beginning of the movie gives him a flower and tells him to give it to someone special and right after that the quirky cute, nerdy girl from the office he works at is standing right there. She says something to draw his attention and instead of giving her the flower he hucks it to the side and hurriedly says Hi. She says something else and he hurriedly says Okay bye.

It really is good. Watch it and love it. I did and look at me now! I can do all sorts of stuff all by myself!

Tune in next time for Brittany’s review of awesomeness! See you later whoever decides to read this.

You remind me of the babe.

The Labyrinth

This movie is a blast from my past like no other. When we were kids we would watch this all the time. I love it. I really do.

When we were kids we would sped the day after school with my grandma while my mom would work later shifts. This was not the most awesome situation but I know that it was one of the man sacrifices that my mom made because she loves us. While at grandma’s house we would always watch movies to pass the time. it made it easier on my grammers and made me gain a love for film that would never be satisfied. I will always love movies for this reason. one of the cinematic staples was this movie.

Jim Henson has had a huge impact on my life. Pretty much all of his films. Everything from the Muppets take Manhattan to the Muppets movie that just came out. They’re just good. family oriented and fun. This one was in what I think was his experimental phase. It’s a little bit (a lot a bit) dark and bizarre. I think that those oare a couple of the reasons that I like it as much as I do.

It stars a young and awkward Jennifer Connely. I know it’s hard to believe that Jennifer connely could have been awkward. She just seems to excreting grace and beauty wherever she goes. But it is true pubescent Jenny was not hot… or a good actress. She seriously sucked. David Bowie rounds out the cast as the villain, Jareth the goblin king. I liked him as a villain when I was a kid but now seeing it as an adult all I could see was uncomfortably form fitting pants. You can see everything in disgusting detail.

This is what it’s about. Jenny is a girl that is a brat and only has friends that can serve a purpose for her. If you’re useless then you can’t be her friend. She has to babysit her little baby brother and in her teenage angst she wishes for the goblin king to come take her bro away… right now.

Well he does take the baby. to the castle beyond the goblin city in the center of the labyrinth. She goes on her search to get him back. not because she loves him but because her dad will kill her if he comes home and the baby is gone.

She meets Hoggle. A dwarf with a bad attitude. Not to be confused with the one angry dwarf from the Ben Folds song. This fellah is just a terd. He shows her how to get into the labyrinth. She runs for a while and finds a worm that serves as a worthless GPS by sending her the wrong direction. She runs around and sees weird Jim Henson puppets and meets a large hairy beast named Ludo. He’s cool. He can’t speak in complete sentences but gets the point across.

Now things keep going on in this fashion for the whole movie until the end where she finally finds the Bowster in all of his tight panted glory and saves the day by saying 6 words. Who would’ve thought that that was all it took? She would have saved herself like 13 hours if she would have remembered those little words.

Anyway, it’s fun and I think that everyone whould watch it at least once before they die.

Next up is my review of Lars and the real Girl. yes it will be a different post. Deal with it!

Broth runs through our veins.

Kung Fu Panda

I like this movie. Brittany doesn’t so much. I think it’s hilarious. It’s a good kids movie that has some appeal to adults without being total potty humor.

The panda kind of reminds me of me a little bit. Not because I’m fat but because when I was a young cub I wasn’t too fond of who I was. I got picked on a bit because I was short, chubby and like choir and theater and such. It wasn’t the cool stuff to like. I didn’t feel accepted in a lot of social circles. But then came one day when I said “you know what? I’m going to do what makes me happy! You all can just go be miserable people who can only feel joy by making others feel weak!” Yeah I was bitter. Po was similarly distraught.his dad (a goose) was obsessed with Po one day being in charge of their family noodle restaurant but all Po wanted was to learn Kung Fu.

Now it didn’t end up happening in quite the manner in which he intended. It goes a little something like this. There is this place close to where they live called the Jade Palace. There reside some of China’s greatest Kung Fu warriors. of them is a Turtle who is ancient and basically unraveled the mysteries of the universe. Long ago He had a revelation to make this thing called the Dragon Scroll. On it was written the information that would make one warrior the most powerful fighter in all of fightingdom.

On this particular day the Turtle says “Hey, we need to decide who will be the Dragon Warrior.” So they hold this ceremony and everyone in the entire village goes so they can see who it’ll be. Naturally Po wants to go to this. He hits the trail, while taking a noodle cart upon his father’s request, but he can’t make it up the stairs. He finally ditches the cart and lumbers his girth up all of the way just  to arrive right when the gates close. He frantically thinks of a way to get in so he can satiate his nerdy desires.

He fashions a chair with fire works with the hope of shooting himself over the walls. He does but just in time to land right in front of the Turtle while he’s selecting the Dragon Warrior. You guessed it, it’s him. Po the mighty panda Dragon Warrior.

The teacher which is some animal that I have no idea what is but Brittany tells me that he’s some hybrid bear racoon, thinks that this panda thing is a big ole fatty mistake. He tried everything in his power to get Po to quit but the fool just kept asking for more punishment.

Disaster strikes. The uber villain Tai-lung (why a tai lung? I don’t know. I would’ve at least been consistent and said Chinese-lung or something) escapes from his inescapable prison. He makes his way to the jade palace to take the dragon scroll for his own selfish desires. The thing with him is that master Shifu (coonbear thingy) trained him from a baby. He was practically his son. He thought that he would be the Dragon Warrior but it turns out that Turtle saw something that Coonbear did not see. He had the evil in him.

So things happen, Po Learns Kung Fu and the day is saved.

It’s got a lot more to it than that but it should be seen in order to be appreciated. Go rent it, or buy it, or jump your young cousin and steal it form only to turn around and give it back to him. you won’t regret it, I promise.

Tune in next post! This instruction is for our fan(I leave it singular because only one person ever comments or clicks the little like button. I’m talking about you Clint. We love you!). Read our opinion of Kung Pow: Enter the Fist! Brittany wrote it so it should be a delight.

It really is a gorgeous mustache.

Killers

I hadn’t seen this movie prior to the other night when Brittany and I watched it and I sadly wish that I would have. It was awesome. It was really funny, really witty, action packed and it had a Ferrari. What else could a guy ask for? How about Katherine Heigl?***  Well guess what fellahs. You got her.

So here’s the skinny. Ashton Kutcher… get it… he’s skinny… anyone… please be laughing at home. Anyway the story goes thusly. Ahem. The Heigs is a single gal who recently got dumped and goes to France with her parents in order to get away from real life. She bumps into a shirtless Ashter and awkwardly flirts with him. He asks her out to dinner, swims to a boat, puts a bomb on a helicopter, blows it up and meets her at the restaurant. They start dating instantly.

They have some uncomfortable moments and then a flash forwards happens. He asks Tom Selleck (her dad) for her hand in marriage. Tom acquiesces his request and goes along with it.

Ashter leaves behind the life of an assassin and starts leading a normal life as some constructiony type but on the office side of things. He gets contacted by his old boss and then the mess hits the fan. Killers come out from everywhere and start to try to kill him. One is his boss, one is the office slut and one is the super annoying friend of The Heigs. They’re just everywhere.

They avoid several killings and one thing leads to another and they find out who was the one behind the order to knock him off. I won’t tell you though because it’s something you need to see.

The Action sequences were neat and well choreographed. I liked them. The assassins were funny in the fact that they were just ordinary people before they went into destructo mode. There’s also a really hot Ferrari in the beginning of the film and that makes me all sorts of warm and fuzzy.

Overall I give it two enthusiastic thumbs up. I’d give it third one but I’m not currently in possession of a third thumb. Go rent it and watch it. You may only regret it if you have no taste in action cinema.

tune in next time for our next review. The King and I. I’m not too excited for it but who knows maybe I’ll zone out for the nine hours that it seems to last and it’ll go by like the blink of an eye. Paz afuera!

*** disclaimer: I think that she is an attractive woman but I think that my wife is hotter. My wife is a mormon that follows the teachings of her parents, unlike Katherine Heigl who is a mormon that doesn’t do those things.

The next time I see that Bleeker kid, I’m gonna punch him right in the wiener.

Juno

So this movie is cute in a pretty messed up sort of way. It’s really witty and quick and all that jazz but it’s making a mockery of a very sensitive subject. You don’t usually see movies about teen pregnancy that are a) bearable to watch and b) not on lifetime.

This is by far one of the best indie style movies I’ve seen, which are admittedly few. I’ve been attracted to this style of film the older and more mature I get. Don’t get me wrong, I still haven’t grown up all the way. I still laugh a fart jokes and think that superheroes  are by far the coolest thing in the known universes (marvel and dc are included in these).

It starts out with cute little Ellen Page walking around he’d neighborhood drinking a gallon of sunny-d. She goes into a pharmacy and takes a pregnancy test and for the third time In a row it comes out positive. Dwight Shrute works at the pharmacy and makes some really funny jokes about how she knocked up.

She tells her best friend, then the guy who would be called dad and then her parents. Doesn’t something seem a little messed up about the order of those informed? In ideal society it would go future dad, parents and then best friend. But let’s face it. This isn’t an ideal society. In a movie about a pregnant teenager they’re not trying to portray an ideal society. This is pretty much how it goes. Unfortunately for parents everywhere, their kids trust their friends more than they do their parents. I hope to become the exception but all parents do and parents don’t get trusted until the child reaches adulthood.

So I’m going to go into a little more depth on the story now. After everyone knows she decided to give the baby up for adoption. She found a nice looking couple in the penny saver magazine and goes to meet with them. the couple is Jason Bateman and big lips Mcgee whose name I can’t remember right now. The ideal looking couple.

Juno finds JB to be pretty cool for an old guy. More shenanigans ensue and she gets more and more pregnant. during this time she has a fight with Bleeker and they stop talking for a little while. She goes and has a n ultra sound and while there the ultra sound tech gets a little self-righteous and says responds to an answer to one of her question very inappropriately. The exchange goes thusly:

Ultrasound Technician: Planning to be surprised when you deliver?
Juno MacGuff: Well, no, but I want Mark and Vanessa to be surprised and if you tell me I’ll just, like, ruin everything.
Ultrasound Technician: Are Mark and Vanessa your friends at school?
Juno MacGuff: No, no, no. They’re the adoptive parents.
Ultrasound Technician: Oh, well thank goodness for that!
Bren: What’s that supposed to mean?
Ultrasound Technician: I just see a lot of teenage mothers come through here and it’s obviously a poisonous environment to raise a baby in.
Juno MacGuff: How do you know I’m so poisonous? What if these adoptive parents turn out to be, like, evil molesters?
Leah: Or, like, stage parents.
Bren: They could be utterly negligent. Maybe they’ll do a far shi***r job of raising a kid than my dumba** step-daughter would. Have you considered that?
Ultrasound Technician: I guess not.
Bren: What is your job title exactly?
Ultrasound Technician: I’m an ultrasound technician, ma’am.
Bren: Well, I’m a nail technician and I think we both ought to just stick to what we know.
Ultrasound Technician: Excuse me?
Bren: Oh, you think you’re so special because you get to play Picture Pages up there? Well, my five year old daughter could do that and let me tell you, she’s not the brightest bulb in the tanning bed. So why don’t you go back to night school in Mantino and learn a real trade.

I like how the step mom tells her off. So more of the movie happens and it has a pretty cool twist at the end.

I’ not going to go into anymore detail because of the simple fact that I can’t do it justice. It really is a very good movie. Even more so now that I’ve lived with a woman while she was pregnant. It is just simply put awesome. Go watch it if you have seen and go watch it again if you have already seen it. Thanks for reading and have yourselves a merry little Christmas just in case you don’t hear from me before the holiday. Peace (out) on earth!!!

PAUL… PAUL… P-PAUL!!!

Julie and Julia

I was skeptical at first on this one. I still don’t know what to think about it though. I still was a little bit bored during the film because it is phenomenally estrogen driven. I also was bored because it didn’t move as quickly as I would have like to see it move. I wasn’t bored because there was a pretty good conflict. It was also kind of funny in some spots.

SYNOPSIS! There’s this girl that she and her hubbers move to queens. In the movie they go through what happens with Julia Child. She’s moving to Paris and adjusting to the french lifestyle. Queens is having a hard time feeling comfortable in the apartment that they are living in because she’s a big foodie and the kitchen sucks. Julia is having a hard time because she’s a proactive woman and needs something to do.

Queens works for an insurance company or something like that which is handling all of these post 9/11 family tragedies. It’s a depressing job. She hates it and it shows. She tries to find some way to cope with the depressio feelings that she gets from her job and the depressio feelings that she has from having to live in sucky Queens. She make a decision to start a blog where she takes Julia Child’s cook book, Mastering the Art of French Cooking, and makes all of the recipes in one year. A pretty daunting task when you see that there are 500 some odd recipes. But she goes for it and it all looks de-freaking-licious. Seriously, it was giving my stomach the rumblies something fierce.

During this time that Queens is doing all of her stuff it cuts back and forth between her and Julia. Julia Goes to cooking school and is approached by these French cooking goddesses that want her to translate their cook book to English. She struggles with the problems and drama that come with working on a cook book and the pain that comes with being rejected by publishers left and right.

While queens is doing her blog she runs into some of the big conflict which is part of what I mentioned that I liked. She and her husband start having a little bit of a rough patch because she forgets about him and focuses too much on her blog. It alludes to the fact that they haven’t loved each other up in quite a while and he starts getting all frustrated.

Which brings me to something that my wife has quoted a number of times. My wife loves Dr. Laura more than she loves me(that’s not the quote). One of things that the good Dr. has said goes a little something like this, not verbatim, but no man will leave a woman who will provide him with sex and sandwiches. I fully believe this to be true.

Now I’m not just saying this to have my wife be all “I’m proud of you for quoting the good Dr.” but It has some meat to it, and not just in the sandwich. (ba dum bum) If a man has a good woman the will give him BOTH of those things he’s going to be happier than a bird with a french fry. I put both in caps because it goes in pairs. If you’re just getting sandwiches you’ll get frustrated for obvious reasons that I won’t mention because my in-laws will more than likely read this. If you just get the hibbidy dibbidy, then you’ll starve because you’ll forget to feed yourself.

Moving on! She finishes the year of her blog and all is well and they make a movie. I forgot to mention that this is a true story. Julia finishes her book and gets a cooking show.There really is more to the ending than what I told you but that’s because I didn’t want to spoil any of it for you. It was a lot better than I thought it was going to be. Go watch it. You won’t die. I promise.

Tune in next blog for Brittany’s review of Junior. It’s a gooder in case you haven’t seen it. Paz afuera!