Stupid fat hobbitses!

This review is going to be special, because we are both writing it. Try to guess who is who! This is fun! (This is funner.)

I watched all of The Lord of the Rings movies! I watched all of The Lord of the Rings movies! I watched all of The Lord of the Rings movies! And let me tell you something else (but just once this time). They didn’t suck. Well, the second one I can’t really say much about because I did fall asleep suddenly and without warning in the first few minutes.

So we watched the first one, and it was good. I have seen it a few times. In case you’ve been living in a cave for the last few years (say hi to Smiegel!), I will be privileged now to give you a synopsis. There are these rings that a guy made. He’s the king of the world or something. And he makes one that’s a magic ring that gives people powers. I couldn’t decide what kind of powers, since it makes Frodo disappear, it makes Smiegel a crazy skinny gollumy creature, and Bilbo gets angry vampire teeth when he’s got it. But it’s supposed to make you all powerful. Smiegel didn’t get the memo, because the ring made him crazy and the opposite of powerful.

So the ring has to be destroyed I guess because it’s making river folks crazy, and turning hobbitses into angry vampire immortals. The ring has to be taken to Mordor, and thrown in the volcano where it was made. Sounds simple enough right? Yeah, so Frodo is a hobbit fella who, with his best buddy Sam, is commissioned with the task of taking the ring, simply walking into Mordor, and throwing the ring out with the trash. But little did they know that one does not just simply walk into Mordor.

That last sentence was the change up! Well they left me in a good position. Frodo goes with his buddies and makes 4 more friends who are ordered to help him walk into Mordor and destroy the one ring which rules them and in the darkness binds them. No need to tell me, I already know that my nerd is showing.

They venture off and go into the wilderness and start the trip. I like to imagine this as a really cool road trip with all of you best buddies. Just with orcs and goblins and a balrog trying to kill you. YAY more fun! so they go and meet elves and get split up and meet horse people and a creature that has crazy for brains and the whole of middle earth gets saved.

I love and worship these movies. They are so masterfully done. I did however get reminded of a joke that I heard that was made about it once that went a little something like this. Ahem:

Frodo: How are we going to get to Mordor and then to Mt. Doom Gandalf?

Gandalf: I know some giant eagles that we can ride on!

Frodo: YAY! We’re here! And it only took about 2 hours! (drops ring in volcano opening) Done and done!!

Roll credits. If they did this it would have been really lame and stupid but really think of how easy it would have been.

Anyway, so the entirety of the movies is about nine hours of your life, but we watched the extended versions, so tack on an extra decade or so. I may be 50 years old right now, not sure. My favorite thing about the movies was that they were done like a decade ago and the special effects are still super awesome. And by super awesome, I mean, they are a little ridiculous now and in another five years we’re going to watch them and put them in the same category with the crazy ridiculous ghosts that kill the guy in the movie Ghost. Pretty rough stuff. But for the time, sure, they were awesome. My least favorite thing about the movie was that Stanley Tucci wasn’t in any of them. Not even as a supporting role. So lame.

Basically, they weren’t bad. The second one I have a feeling was a snoozefest, mostly because I snoozed through the entire thing, but also because there are talking trees that talk forever. Kiiiiiind of a stretch, Tolkien. And kind of a lot like the poetry torture alien guys in Hitchhiker’s Guide. Again, so lame.

But now we get to watch a REAL movie, and it’s equally awesome sequel: The mannequin movies! I have been looking forward to this moment since the inception of this blog. This is Steve, signing out!

Everyone, just… pretend to be normal.

I suppose the time has come to share with you all my deep dark secret. I own an R rated movie, and guess what? I love it. I love it a lot. Little Miss Sunshine, for you lost few who have not seen it, is all about a very dysfunctional family who takes a road trip from Albuquerque to Redondo Beach, California so their seven-year-old, Olive (played by a chubby Abigail Breslin), can participate in a beauty pageant, aptly named The Little Miss Sunshine Pageant. 

The movie starts out with a brief introduction of each of the family members, meaning it is hilarious from the first second.

• First is Olive, played by Abigail Breslin, who has big dreams of becoming a beauty queen. She’s kind of the center of the film. For a seven-year-old, she’s super frumpy. She’s chubby and loves her family.
• Next on the roster is Olive’s older brother, Dwayne, who also has big dreams. He has taken a vow of silence until he turns eighteen and can get into the Air Force Academy. He worships Nietzsche.
• Next up is Grandpa, played by Alan Arkin (one of my favorites), who is living with the family after getting kicked out of the rest home he’s at for shooting heroin.
• There’s Dad, played by Greg Kinnear, a man with dreams of his own. Dad dreams of success. Period. He is a motivational speaker who has a difficult time motivating.
• Then there’s Mom, played by Toni Collett, one of the film world’s most underrated actors (along with Stanley Tucci, Emily Blunt, and Judy Greer). She wants the best for her family and struggles to make sure everyone is loved and appreciated.
• Last but not least (I probably should have put him first) is Uncle Frank, played by Steve Carrell. His dream was to become a Proust Scholar but instead the prestigious award is given to one of his colleagues, a man who not only stole the award from Frank, but also Frank’s one true love. And his job. Frank is introduced in the beginning as the uncle who tries to commit suicide, “and fails at that too.” 

So there you have it, the colorful cast of characters, and since the synopsis is already done and out of the way, we can move on. There really is not much to the synopsis when you describe it to someone (“A family takes a road trip, the end.”) But Little Miss Sunshine is one of the deepest, most meaningful movies I know of. It is an oft irreverent illustration of what it means to be a family and teaches several lessons on perseverance, loyalty, and unconditional love. (I know, queue violins.)

The movie also has several other worthwhile things you can glean from it. When Dwayne realizes he may be unable to attain his goal, he decides to quit pouting and instead, in one of my favorite lines from the movie, states that “If I want to fly, I’ll find a way to fly. You do what you love, and forget the rest.” (Except he doesn’t say “forget” but another brand of F word.) When Olive expresses hesitation about being in the beauty pageant (and really, the hesitation is warranted, as she is not what you would look at and think is beauty pageant material), her Grandpa says, “Losers are people who are so afraid of not winning, they don’t even try. You’re trying aren’t you? Then you’re not a loser.” 

It’s just one of those movies that you find yourself dabbing at your eyes throughout and then wondering how it’s possible to be so touched by a movie that really does say the F-word a few times. But it’s got everything you want. It’s funny and meaningful and you really believe the characters. There is nothing slapsticky about it. You believe that the Hoovers are a real family, because (maybe) minus a few F words, they could be yours.

So we would recommend it. But if you’re more righteous than we are, the edited version is probably okay too. Just quite a few more “forgets.” And if you can’t find an edited version, at least borrow it from us and watch the last five minutes. It’s F-word free and full of awesome.

What kind of guy without a drug or alcohol problem looks this way? Only a writer.

It came to my attention tonight that Bradley Cooper doesn’t go shirtless nearly as often as he should. Not that this has anything to do with the movie Limitless per se. Just an innocent observation from his admirers. Or his abs’ admirers. This is getting uncomfy. Let’s talk about the movie, okay?

And for those of you who haven’t seen The Office in a few weeks, yes, it’s true. Limitless is in fact that one movie about the guy who is like, limitless. But for a more narrow synopsis, I offer you this. Limitless is a movie about Eddie Mora, a writer who is basically gross. He is experiencing major writers’ block, his girlfriend dumps him for being a slacker, and wears his gross, greasy hair in a ponytail. And his shirt has stains. I hate when movies make beautiful people ugly. It’s not right. (Charlize Theron in Monster? Crime!)

/tangent.

So all this stuff is happening to Eddie and he runs into his ex-wife’s brother, who used to be a dealer and now claims to have turned his life around and is working as a consultant in the pharmaceutical industry. Right. So he’s still dealing, and he offers Eddie a free sample of NZT, a drug that allows him to use 100% of his brain as opposed to the 10% or whatever the popular statistic says that the average person uses. So it makes him a genius and all of a sudden Bradley Cooper is himself again. I mean Eddie is taken out of his slummin’ it life and gets rich and famous and hot. So Bradley Cooper.

Suddenly, Eddie is hooked on NZT. He’s all making the big bucks and is driving a fast car and is dating his pretty ex-girlfriend again and things are working out. But then all of a sudden, and you can imagine how living a life on a drug that gives you this kind of power can be dangerous in this way, a crazy scary Russian guy is after Eddie. The basic theme of this movie is how being limitless and stop-at-nothing-successful comes with a price.

It’s basically a wicked good movie, and you know I’m not just saying that, because Mr. Cooper does not remove his shirt one time through the whole film. Which is shameful, but it’s still a great movie. The opening credits will kind of make you dizzy, but the score is kind of awesome, and besides being blindingly attractive, Bradley Cooper is pretty convincing as an actor in just about every role he’s in. He even does “ugly broke guy” hot. America, he’s got talent. (Not sure what that means.)

Anyway, the movie is pretty clean and it doesn’t require a PhD to understand. Also, it has Bradley Cooper in it. So I think you’re gonna like it. Now we’re going to watch The Lion King, and that’s exciting. So peace out, and hakuna matata.

I curse her mustache!

If you are looking for a good, clean chicky flick, you probably should watch Letters to Juliet. I have seen it 900 times (three times in the theater, and not ashamed to admit it) and tear up every time. It only has one use of the *S* word, and even then it is said by a British dude, and it sounds so cute it doesn’t even count. It’s like when that girl says the *F* word on Notting Hill. Doesn’t count.

Anyway, this movie is about a girl, Sophie, who goes with her fiance to Italy. As it turns out, her fiance ignores her the whole time, and she discovers a wall where women write letters to their lovers and stick them in this wall that inspired the famous balcony scene between Romeo and Juliet. (I think.) Well, the letters are collected at the end of each day by this group of ladies who call themselves the Secretaries of Juliet. Their mission is to respond to all the letters.

An aspiring writer, Sophie joins forces with these ladies while her fiance is off gallivanting across the countryside, sampling wine and cheeses. She has an opportunity to respond to a letter that is 50 years old that got lost in the wall. The woman who wrote the letter, now well into her 60s, comes down to Italy  to find her long lost lover, and she and Sophie, and the woman’s grandson embark on a journey across Italy to find this guy.

It really is a tender story. I like a lot of things about it. I like the Italian soundtrack, particularly “I’m a Believer” in Italian. I love the scenery. I like that it’s a movie you could see with your grandmother and not be embarrassed. It’s just a pure, good, chick flick. And Amanda Seyfried, who plays the part of Sophie, is beautiful. Although it is difficult to believe she’s older than 21 in this movie. She looks 14.

So I suppose that’s all I have to say about that. Clean – check. Chick flick – check. Beautiful Italian scenery – check. Not sure what bad could be said about this movie, except maybe had Helen Mirren play the part of the old lady. But Steve liked it anyway, so that’s bonus.

 

You’re angry because they make you wear a dress.

I struggled with a title for this blog because there is very little in the way of humor when it comes to The Last Samurai. Unless you find it hilarious that Tom Cruise is selected to be the lead role in this movie about a white guy with a checkered military past who lives among the Samurai… which I do. He just doesn’t seem to fit the part for me.

So I hate to give it away, but my primary beef with this movie, although it is mostly good, is that Tom Cruise is in it. I think I can say, without going into extensive detail about the guy, that he’s a little bit nutty. So really the whole time I’m watching this, the nuttiness kind of manifests itself, making what should be a pretty decent war movie some sort of joke. The whole time I’m watching Tom Cruise train to be a mighty samurai, the song from Mulan, “I’ll Make a Man Out of You!” kept coming to my mind.

So the movie starts out as Tom Cruise’s character, Algren, has come home from war. Flashbacks tell us that his experiences in war are something that he is grossly ashamed of. He did some pretty disgraceful stuff. He’s contracted by the Japanese government to come and work for the emperor, training the Japanese armies in the ways of Western warfare.

Algren’s first assignment is to take a group of newbie Japanese soldiers to war against the samurais, who the emperor wants to kill because like, they don’t conform to his dream of a new, modern Japan, and stuff. It is during this first battle that Algren is captured by the samurais and forced to spend the winter up in Samurai land. You can guess the rest. Tom Cruise becomes a Samurai, gets the girl, mends the error of his ways, has a change of heart, saves the world, whatever.

The movie is good, but a little messed up. There are about two lines of humor in  it, one which I’ve included above, and the other one when the Japanese baby pulls at his ears and says something cute in Japanese. So basically, if you’re looking for funny, this ain’t it. But if you’re looking for something cool to watch that will shed a little light on the awesomeness of samurai warrior debauchery, then yeah, go ahead and watch it.

So it’s a good movie, but there is the Tom Cruise thing. There’s also the thing about how Tom Cruise’s character kills this dude in battle and then to make matters worse, steals off with his war victim’s woman. And his armor. Ouch. Oh, and also, there are a lot of people losing their heads in this movie, so if you’re weird about fake head rolling… this probably won’t be your first choice for your next movie night.

And that’s that. Steve gets to do the honors of reviewing Lean On Me next. So stay tuned. Morgan Freeman is off the heezie. And yes, I did just say that.

Off to Terre Haute. Only this time, there was no turning back.

I don’t even remember what this movie was called. It was a documentary about Larry Bird, so we’re going to call it Larry Bird: The Movie!

And since it was a documentary, and since Steve said it didn’t count as a movie, and since there was no storyline to speak of, I’ll keep my synopsis brief: Larry Bird chops wood. Larry Bird has a molestache. Larry Bird has a mullet. Larry Bird is really good at passing. Larry Bird makes some three pointers. Larry Bird shoots from the top of the key. Larry Bird, despite all of his hard work, somehow doesn’t win every single game possible.

That’s right, folks. We watched and watched for several hours, it seems, with some guy telling us how awesome Larry Bird is. And then at the end of every sentence, after sitting through several bad basketball metaphors, the narrator of Larry Bird’s life says, “But the Celtics lost.” Or the statement of eternal sads: “That year, Indiana State won every game they played except one… But they did it without Larry Bird.”

What the crap, Narrator? If Larry Bird was so awesome, why even bother mentioning that he lost like, 90 percent of the games they played in? Why even bother mentioning that he spent several years of his life not in school, sweeping garbage out of the streets in French Lick, Indiana? Why get my hopes up at all? You have to know that of all the people in the world who care about basketball, Stephen and I don’t make the cut? Why get us to care, even fleetingly, about this man who was apparently the greatest basketball player to ever live, and then tell us about how he lost all the time?

Basically, I’m eternally disappointed in Larry Bird. Honestly. I was seriously impressed watching his moves. I witnessed with my own two eyeballs him making a shot from half court, while running, with two seconds left in the game. You’ve got impressive things like that on your resume, you better have a documentary about you with a narrator who lies. You better have a narrator who tells you that the Larry Bird molestache of the 80s inspired a new superbreed of humans or something. Anything less, you’re just going to disappoint your viewers.

So anyway, the movie was all about the games and championships that Larry Bird lost, while simultaneously showing a steady stream of awesome layups (yeah, I know what a layup is, jerk!), game-saving three pointers, and games that were really too close (76 to 74 against the Lakers in 86) for someone who has a documentary made about him, available on VHS through Freecycle (that’s how I got it, anyway).

So I guess I don’t understand the hype. His moves look choreographed. He makes basketball look easy, which is saying something, because I know it’s not. I was politely dismissed in my ninth grade P.E. class during our basketball section to not participate anymore. Something about slowing everyone else down. (I hit my stride when we got to–I kid you not–ping pong–and was allowed to rejoin the throng.)

So I know it’s a little disjointed, but when has our blog been anything but? The point is, I think there are a whole lot of other people who should have documentaries done about them. People who won more basketball games than Larry Bird did, for example. I’m just saying, if you’re going to praise the guy for an hour straight, don’t let me down by following it up with, “And then Larry Bird got old, started hurting his knee every game, and died.”

Kidding. I know Larry Bird can’t die.

I am Mu Shu Fasa. You must not be troubled, Cho-Simba-One.

I don’t know if this movie really should ever be seen by anyone, ever. And in case you didn’t know, I am talking about Kung Pow: Enter the Fist. Among other things, the first sign that the movie is no bueno is they set it all up at the end for a sequel, which in case you wondered, never happened. Sequels to dumb movies are usually even dumber. Ask Dumb & Dumber and ask those folks if they might disagree.

Anyway, you can all pretty much guess where I’m going with this. Dumb movies are equal to or greater than good. So I kind of love this movie. But the kind of love that I have for Disneyland. Where I can just see it once every five years, and that’s probably sufficient. How then does it happen that this is the second time I’ve watched it in the past year?

The one-liners. They just get me. There are so many, and they are so good. See, the whole movie is about this guy, The Chosen One, whose family is all killed by the evil Betty. As a result, The Chosen One is raised by desert rodents and later goes on a mission to avenge his family’s death. (“He took everything from me! A family I never knew!”)

Along the way, a bunch of really indiscernible things happen, and none of it–and I mean none of it–makes a lick of sense.  It’s just funny because it is dubbed over an old 70s kung fu flick, with Steve Oedekerk dubbed in and voice overs redoing the whole thing. It’s really, really great.

But again, only once every few years. Don’t get crazy and think you can watch this twice in a year and still like it. But ultimately, if you are a fan of classic one-liners, ridiculous voice overs, and ancient special effects… this might be the movie choice for you.

Now who wants to come over and watch Labyrinth for me? That movie freaks me out and I hate it.

Geoooooooooooooooooooorge!

I don’t know how I feel about The King and I, if I’m being honest with you. I don’t even know who you are, if I’m being honest with you. Is there anybody out there?

Anyway, instead of ringing in the New Year like cool people, Steve and I rang in the New Year watching the incredibly long cinematic suppository known as The King and I. But I don’t give it enough credit, because I actually do like it okay. It’s got just the right amount of racism for my taste, and I love more than anything spontaneous musical numbers and dramatic solo dancing kings.

Besides, it reminds me of this song from The Drowsy Chaperone (sorry about the less-than-top-quality video, but it’s all I could find):

In case you were born yesterday, The King and I is a musical about the King of Siam and the relationship that develops between him and Anna Leonowens, the British schoolteacher sent to teach the King’s children and his wives about western science and shiz. Which she does. And the King’s shenanigans and the schoolteacher’s propriety often get entangled, resulting in funny-ish things happening.

But it is really long.

So basically, I have mixed feelings about this movie. I love it because I love musicals, and pretty much most ridiculous movies from the 50s, another particular favorite also starring Deborah Kerr, An Affair to Remember. Vertigo, Gigi, Singin’ in the Rain… the 50s was a good decade for film. But I am losing track of things.

The acting is awful, and the visual effects are awful, and I have never been to Thailand or anything, but it seems kind of racist to me. Looking at it objectively, it really is an awful movie by today’s standards. Which is precisely why I love it so much.

Basically, if you have very little else to do with your life, and feel the need to watch a movie that would be fun to watch in silence and make up your own words to… I would suggest The King and I.  Not saying that’s what we did, but just that I can imagine.

So next Friday night, prepare the popcorn, come prepared with some conversation topics to carry you through not only the overture and opening credits (which by themselves make up an hour of the movie), but also the intermission and the Siamese interpretation of Stowe’s classic novel, Uncle Tom’s Cabin (the interpretation which coincidentally provides the topic for today’s review), and ad lib away. You will not regret it.

I’m actually dating anybody else right now.

I’m not sure why I have yet to find anybody that likes Just Go With It as much as Steve and I do. I feel Will Ferrell/Stranger than Fiction flashbacks when I watch it (another movie that no one but me seemed to like), but whatever. Sure, it’s Adam Sandler, which can only mean that the whole story line is a wee bit flimsy, and sure, Jennifer Aniston can do so much better. (I loved her in The Good Girl. Come back, Good Girl!) but it’s got so much good in it.

For example, Nick Swardson is in it. If you don’t know Nicholas, I will remind you of the crazy stalker dude that sends Jimmy a cup of his blood in Blades of Glory. He’s also got some pretty good stand-up stuff. Not that I would know personally. But I’m married to a Nick Swardson’s #1 fan, and I hear, “Nicholas, you’re the strongest boy in the world!” about 90 times a day. It’s pretty good. Google it. “Nick Swardson strongest boy in the world” and you won’t regret it.

Anyway, so that was fun wasn’t it? Nick Swardson’s character has the majority of the real golden one-liners in this movie, but for some reason IMDB didn’t use any of them. Oh well.

I’ll get to some of the other good things this movie holds in a minute, but first, the movie synopsis. Adam Sandler is Danny, a guy who picks up chicks by pretending he’s married and that his wife is this awful woman who beats him and stuff. Yeah, we’re off to a great start. Anyway, as it turns out, he really and truly falls for Palmer, the one girl that he’s met through honest means, but she finds a wedding ring in his pocket, and demands an explanation.

That’s when the lie starts. Danny explains away the wedding ring by telling Palmer he’s married but is getting divorced. Danny pays his assistant to pretend to be his awful wife and tell Palmer herself that they are getting a divorce. Then through a series of random events, Palmer finds out that Danny’s assistant (wife) has kids, who would naturally be Danny’s kids, and wants to meet them. So Danny gets the kids roped up in this, and one of the kid blackmails Danny into taking the whole “family” (plus girlfriend, plus the “wife’s” “boyfriend,” played by Nick Swardson) to Hawaii.

And it’s funny.

So other good parts of the movie – it’s not at all as predictable as you think it would be. There is no moment at the end where the girl finds out about the lying and flips out. There are no sudden airport chases at the end of the movie. Nobody chases anyone else in a taxi through rush hour traffic. Palmer doesn’t throw a fit about the love of her life lying to her. But it still has a good heartwarming ending that warms the soul and touches tenderly the heart. Or some such nonsense.

Anyway, you should see it, because we like it. And you should see Stranger than Fiction, because that’s also funny. I might be the only one to think so. But mine is the only opinion that should matter anyway. You’re good.

I’m pregnant.

I haven’t seen Junior in like a million years before now, and let me tell you something. The refresher was awesome! In case you’ve been living in a cave since the early 90s, this movie is about two doctors, who are denied FDA approval for a drug that would pretty much make miscarriage a thing of the past. They decide to take matters into their own hands, and get this. They make Arnold Schwarzenegger pregnant! Could a movie be any better than this? I think not.

Anyway, so Arnie is all pregnant, and he’s all hopped up on hormones, and his behavior is a lot like another favorite movie of mine (also on this list), Mr. Mom. He has the cravings, the hyperdrive emotions, mood swings, the whole bit. And it’s just amazing, is all I’m saying. Danny Devito… I can’t remember what I was going to say about him, because I just remembered to add “Renaissance Man” to my Pinterest and came back and forgot I was writing a blog.

Anyway, the whole cast is amazing. That may be what I was getting at. There’s the one lady. And Emma Thompson, whom I love. And Danny DeVito, whom I love. And Arnold, who I kind of loved before I discovered how freaking messed up he is. He is/was kind of like The Rock of the 80s/90s. You know what I mean? Big tough guy, kind of scary looking, starts out in some really BA movies and then turns to meaningless fluffy films. I’m talking to you, Kindergarten Cop. And stop laughing, The Tooth Fairy, you’re part of this too.

Anyway, so Arnold is pregnant, and the other lady is pregnant, and typical early 90s shenanigans happen, and the whole thing is utterly ridiculous. And awesome. Because “utterly ridiculous” and “awesome” are, for all intents and purposes, completely the same thing in my book. If you haven’t seen it in the last five days or so, I highly recommend it. Steve liked it even more this time around because now he can truly appreciate the psychotic nature of a pregnant person.

Now stay tuned for another ridiculous/awesome film about a pregnant person, Juno, reviewed by Steve!