I brokeded your toy!

The Longest Yard.

4 words to start out. What was I thinking? I remember liking this movie when it came out and that’s why I bought it but I have only watched it once since I bought it and that was right after the plastic wrap came off. Really not that good.

It’s about Adam Sandler who plays a washed up former NFL MVP. I know, believable right? I didn’t think so either. So he’s a drunk who gets sent to jail for DWI and goes to jail in the middle of Texas. The warden apparently “drafted” him so that he could coach his gaurd football team.

The Team doesn’t think too highly of this. They treat him horribly. But Sandler tells the warden that what the team needs is a good warm up game. A game that they beat the living tar out of the opponent  to boost their spirits. The warden tells Sandler to assemble a team from the inmates there at the jail and they will play the guards.

I know what you’re thinking right now. Jumpin’ jahoosaphat! When do I get to pop it in my DVD player?! Well, this plot of gold doesn’t have a rainbow leading you to it. It’s more like a streaming banner filled with smut prison jokes, an old lady in lingerie and a whole lot of shirtless musclemen.

Burt Reynolds is in it and I like his mustache. That’s about the best thing in the movie. Really. Well… there is one really large black guy in it who is pretty dumb but nicer than a box of kittens. he’s got some pretty funny lines in it. Mostly because the lines that he has are things that a 5 year old would say. Example A: the title to this blog. Example B: Will you teach me to football? These and many more golden nuggets come out of this fellow’s mouth.

Anyway, they recruit a bunch of guys and the inmates win. Sounds awesome huh? Watch it if you dare but if you’re older that 22 and have grown out of toilet prison humor don’t waste your time.

Next we have the best series of all time and I’m freaking excited for it because Brittany gets to review the first one. That’s right, The Lord of the Rings!!! I couldn’t be more excited if I tried to be!

See you later friends!

Everyone, just… pretend to be normal.

I suppose the time has come to share with you all my deep dark secret. I own an R rated movie, and guess what? I love it. I love it a lot. Little Miss Sunshine, for you lost few who have not seen it, is all about a very dysfunctional family who takes a road trip from Albuquerque to Redondo Beach, California so their seven-year-old, Olive (played by a chubby Abigail Breslin), can participate in a beauty pageant, aptly named The Little Miss Sunshine Pageant. 

The movie starts out with a brief introduction of each of the family members, meaning it is hilarious from the first second.

• First is Olive, played by Abigail Breslin, who has big dreams of becoming a beauty queen. She’s kind of the center of the film. For a seven-year-old, she’s super frumpy. She’s chubby and loves her family.
• Next on the roster is Olive’s older brother, Dwayne, who also has big dreams. He has taken a vow of silence until he turns eighteen and can get into the Air Force Academy. He worships Nietzsche.
• Next up is Grandpa, played by Alan Arkin (one of my favorites), who is living with the family after getting kicked out of the rest home he’s at for shooting heroin.
• There’s Dad, played by Greg Kinnear, a man with dreams of his own. Dad dreams of success. Period. He is a motivational speaker who has a difficult time motivating.
• Then there’s Mom, played by Toni Collett, one of the film world’s most underrated actors (along with Stanley Tucci, Emily Blunt, and Judy Greer). She wants the best for her family and struggles to make sure everyone is loved and appreciated.
• Last but not least (I probably should have put him first) is Uncle Frank, played by Steve Carrell. His dream was to become a Proust Scholar but instead the prestigious award is given to one of his colleagues, a man who not only stole the award from Frank, but also Frank’s one true love. And his job. Frank is introduced in the beginning as the uncle who tries to commit suicide, “and fails at that too.” 

So there you have it, the colorful cast of characters, and since the synopsis is already done and out of the way, we can move on. There really is not much to the synopsis when you describe it to someone (“A family takes a road trip, the end.”) But Little Miss Sunshine is one of the deepest, most meaningful movies I know of. It is an oft irreverent illustration of what it means to be a family and teaches several lessons on perseverance, loyalty, and unconditional love. (I know, queue violins.)

The movie also has several other worthwhile things you can glean from it. When Dwayne realizes he may be unable to attain his goal, he decides to quit pouting and instead, in one of my favorite lines from the movie, states that “If I want to fly, I’ll find a way to fly. You do what you love, and forget the rest.” (Except he doesn’t say “forget” but another brand of F word.) When Olive expresses hesitation about being in the beauty pageant (and really, the hesitation is warranted, as she is not what you would look at and think is beauty pageant material), her Grandpa says, “Losers are people who are so afraid of not winning, they don’t even try. You’re trying aren’t you? Then you’re not a loser.” 

It’s just one of those movies that you find yourself dabbing at your eyes throughout and then wondering how it’s possible to be so touched by a movie that really does say the F-word a few times. But it’s got everything you want. It’s funny and meaningful and you really believe the characters. There is nothing slapsticky about it. You believe that the Hoovers are a real family, because (maybe) minus a few F words, they could be yours.

So we would recommend it. But if you’re more righteous than we are, the edited version is probably okay too. Just quite a few more “forgets.” And if you can’t find an edited version, at least borrow it from us and watch the last five minutes. It’s F-word free and full of awesome.

Look down day-uh… Look ha-dah.

The title is to be read phonetically. The Lion King.

Oh the dear sweet blast from the past. When we were kids I remember going to theaters to watch this movie. I also remember that people were given the opportunity to go watch it in theaters if they happened to miss it the first time it was released because they released it twice. That’s how good it was.

The film still is good so don’t let the last sentence from the last paragraph make you think that I hate it now. I still love it. Mostly for nostalgia’s sake but still much love is had for this film. This movie sports the voice talents of, at the time at least, Hollywood’s biggest stars. Good old prepubescent heart throb Johnathon Taylor Thomas, Matthew Broderick and Nathan Lane. The last 2 are still famous but seriously, what on earth happened to JTT? Did he die? Did he end up being unattractive post puberty? Did people realize that he had very little talent? What happened?

Anyway this movie is about a little lion cub named Simba (JTT) who is destined to be the king of the pride lands. His father, Mufasa, is his hero. Not just because he’s king but because he has the best voice in the universe. You all can thank James Earl Jones for that. JEJ dies in a horrible Wildebeest stampede while trying to save JTT. Now JTT’s uncle Scar (Jeremy Irons) arranged the whole thing so that both JTT and JEJ would get killed and he then would become King.

JI is the embodiment of evil. This is manifested by his English accent and a musical number where he has a bunch of Nazi Hyenas marching in unison for him. It’s really kinda funny how Disney made it so blatantly obvious that the world should be anti-Nazi.

Anyway, The movie goes on to have JTT run away so as to not disgrace the kingdom because it was “his fault” That JEJ was killed. He finds a wild boar and a meerkat named Pumbaa and Timon. They are Jtt’s buddies and they raise him into pubescence where he then becaomes Matthew Broderick.

MB decides toget over the whole it was his fault because it wasn’t. JEJ was just trying to save JTT and JI was the evil one and should be over thrown. MB goes back and banishes JI and takes his place as king. The end.

Watch it to remind yourself of how great childhood was. It was great wasn’t it? Tune in nest time for Birttany’s review of Little Miss Sunshine. Peace out y’all!

What kind of guy without a drug or alcohol problem looks this way? Only a writer.

It came to my attention tonight that Bradley Cooper doesn’t go shirtless nearly as often as he should. Not that this has anything to do with the movie Limitless per se. Just an innocent observation from his admirers. Or his abs’ admirers. This is getting uncomfy. Let’s talk about the movie, okay?

And for those of you who haven’t seen The Office in a few weeks, yes, it’s true. Limitless is in fact that one movie about the guy who is like, limitless. But for a more narrow synopsis, I offer you this. Limitless is a movie about Eddie Mora, a writer who is basically gross. He is experiencing major writers’ block, his girlfriend dumps him for being a slacker, and wears his gross, greasy hair in a ponytail. And his shirt has stains. I hate when movies make beautiful people ugly. It’s not right. (Charlize Theron in Monster? Crime!)

/tangent.

So all this stuff is happening to Eddie and he runs into his ex-wife’s brother, who used to be a dealer and now claims to have turned his life around and is working as a consultant in the pharmaceutical industry. Right. So he’s still dealing, and he offers Eddie a free sample of NZT, a drug that allows him to use 100% of his brain as opposed to the 10% or whatever the popular statistic says that the average person uses. So it makes him a genius and all of a sudden Bradley Cooper is himself again. I mean Eddie is taken out of his slummin’ it life and gets rich and famous and hot. So Bradley Cooper.

Suddenly, Eddie is hooked on NZT. He’s all making the big bucks and is driving a fast car and is dating his pretty ex-girlfriend again and things are working out. But then all of a sudden, and you can imagine how living a life on a drug that gives you this kind of power can be dangerous in this way, a crazy scary Russian guy is after Eddie. The basic theme of this movie is how being limitless and stop-at-nothing-successful comes with a price.

It’s basically a wicked good movie, and you know I’m not just saying that, because Mr. Cooper does not remove his shirt one time through the whole film. Which is shameful, but it’s still a great movie. The opening credits will kind of make you dizzy, but the score is kind of awesome, and besides being blindingly attractive, Bradley Cooper is pretty convincing as an actor in just about every role he’s in. He even does “ugly broke guy” hot. America, he’s got talent. (Not sure what that means.)

Anyway, the movie is pretty clean and it doesn’t require a PhD to understand. Also, it has Bradley Cooper in it. So I think you’re gonna like it. Now we’re going to watch The Lion King, and that’s exciting. So peace out, and hakuna matata.

I’ve had better?!

Liar Liar

I like this movie because it’s from the days before Jim Carrey went all crazy go nuts. He was not really too wholesome but he was less porny and weird. He was cooky and slap stick funny. those were the days of good familial fun.

This movies is about a dad, his son and his ex-wife. Jim plays dad, a lawyer that is trying to work his way up to being a partner at the firm he works for. A very excellent lawyer but one that doesn’t have his stuff together. He was married once and got divorced for something along the lines of infidelity or something like that, I’m not entirely sure. He has a son that is having a birthday.

He’s invited to the party but misses it because he’s trying to “work his way” up the partnership ladder. So the son hurt as all get out makes his birthday wish that his dad couldn’t tell a lie for one full day. Being a Lawyer makes this extremely difficult for him.

He wakes up after having made the dirty with one of the partners of the firm and she asks him if it was as good for him and he says those immortal lines, “I’ve had better.” Stunned he’s thrown out on his back and goes home. perplexed even to the point where he goes down the elevator of the building that he lives in. What does he find? A very blessed very beautiful woman. He tells her that he would like to engage in inappropriate acts with her and gets punched in the eye.

Awesome antics like this happen throughout the rest of the film.  basically at the end he finds out that lying doesn’t pay off in the end and everyone ends up happy.

I recommend this film to anyone who doesn’t mind the occasional boobs joke. It’s fun and funny, both at the very same time. We watched it on vhs so the quality wasn’t as awesome as it could have been, but we have 2 copies so be the 7th person to comment on this blog from right now on and it could be yours! Consecutive comments don’t count so no making 7 comments just to get a prize. They have to have at least one comment from someone else in between them to count. The winner will be announced as soon as we have one.

Well, we’ll see you later interweb. I love you guys.

I curse her mustache!

If you are looking for a good, clean chicky flick, you probably should watch Letters to Juliet. I have seen it 900 times (three times in the theater, and not ashamed to admit it) and tear up every time. It only has one use of the *S* word, and even then it is said by a British dude, and it sounds so cute it doesn’t even count. It’s like when that girl says the *F* word on Notting Hill. Doesn’t count.

Anyway, this movie is about a girl, Sophie, who goes with her fiance to Italy. As it turns out, her fiance ignores her the whole time, and she discovers a wall where women write letters to their lovers and stick them in this wall that inspired the famous balcony scene between Romeo and Juliet. (I think.) Well, the letters are collected at the end of each day by this group of ladies who call themselves the Secretaries of Juliet. Their mission is to respond to all the letters.

An aspiring writer, Sophie joins forces with these ladies while her fiance is off gallivanting across the countryside, sampling wine and cheeses. She has an opportunity to respond to a letter that is 50 years old that got lost in the wall. The woman who wrote the letter, now well into her 60s, comes down to Italy  to find her long lost lover, and she and Sophie, and the woman’s grandson embark on a journey across Italy to find this guy.

It really is a tender story. I like a lot of things about it. I like the Italian soundtrack, particularly “I’m a Believer” in Italian. I love the scenery. I like that it’s a movie you could see with your grandmother and not be embarrassed. It’s just a pure, good, chick flick. And Amanda Seyfried, who plays the part of Sophie, is beautiful. Although it is difficult to believe she’s older than 21 in this movie. She looks 14.

So I suppose that’s all I have to say about that. Clean – check. Chick flick – check. Beautiful Italian scenery – check. Not sure what bad could be said about this movie, except maybe had Helen Mirren play the part of the old lady. But Steve liked it anyway, so that’s bonus.

 

I don’t have to do nothing but be black and die!

Lean on Me.

I liked this movie. It’s one of those good feeling be better than everyone thinks that you can be type of movies. Like stand and deliver but blacker.

I am going to shoot out a warning to all of you.  THIS MOVIE IS RACIST. The reason? The high school in the film, Eastside High, in 1967 was the best school in the state. They had maybe one black student but two black teachers. 20 years later the school had become the worst school in the state. They had maybe 10 white students.  Do you see what I mean now about it being racist? It would appear that they are insinuating that the ratio of black to white kids directly affects the academic performance of the school. I kindly disagree. I’m not racist and feel that race has nothing to do with how well a school will perform.

Moving on with the movie. So this school went from best to worst like I said and they decide to get a new principal, Morgan Freeman, who we will call crazy Joe for the remainder of the blog. He is B A. He take absolutely no crap from anyone and lays it out like it is. His job is to turn the school around and make sure that the students pass the basic skills test.

He cleans up the school and expels all of the problem students that are the bullies and drug dealers and such and goes to town on the remaining kids and tells them to be smarter or die. Well not die but be smarter or not have a cool school anymore.

He does his job and everyone goes home happy. Except this one mouthy beast woman who tries to get crazy Joe fired.

The acting  in this movie is really well done and I think it really showcases crazy Joe’s talent. He’s awesome and really awesome in this movie.

I recommend that everyone sees this movie prior to their imminent demise. It’s worth it. You can come over and watch it with us, we’d be happy to have you over.

Well I think that this is it for this post. If you read this post, please comment or at least like it so we know that we’re doing this for a reason other than to take up space on the internet. Please. Seriously, we need some validation here.

Thanks everyone… or thanks to you the one person that reads this. We love you.

You’re angry because they make you wear a dress.

I struggled with a title for this blog because there is very little in the way of humor when it comes to The Last Samurai. Unless you find it hilarious that Tom Cruise is selected to be the lead role in this movie about a white guy with a checkered military past who lives among the Samurai… which I do. He just doesn’t seem to fit the part for me.

So I hate to give it away, but my primary beef with this movie, although it is mostly good, is that Tom Cruise is in it. I think I can say, without going into extensive detail about the guy, that he’s a little bit nutty. So really the whole time I’m watching this, the nuttiness kind of manifests itself, making what should be a pretty decent war movie some sort of joke. The whole time I’m watching Tom Cruise train to be a mighty samurai, the song from Mulan, “I’ll Make a Man Out of You!” kept coming to my mind.

So the movie starts out as Tom Cruise’s character, Algren, has come home from war. Flashbacks tell us that his experiences in war are something that he is grossly ashamed of. He did some pretty disgraceful stuff. He’s contracted by the Japanese government to come and work for the emperor, training the Japanese armies in the ways of Western warfare.

Algren’s first assignment is to take a group of newbie Japanese soldiers to war against the samurais, who the emperor wants to kill because like, they don’t conform to his dream of a new, modern Japan, and stuff. It is during this first battle that Algren is captured by the samurais and forced to spend the winter up in Samurai land. You can guess the rest. Tom Cruise becomes a Samurai, gets the girl, mends the error of his ways, has a change of heart, saves the world, whatever.

The movie is good, but a little messed up. There are about two lines of humor in  it, one which I’ve included above, and the other one when the Japanese baby pulls at his ears and says something cute in Japanese. So basically, if you’re looking for funny, this ain’t it. But if you’re looking for something cool to watch that will shed a little light on the awesomeness of samurai warrior debauchery, then yeah, go ahead and watch it.

So it’s a good movie, but there is the Tom Cruise thing. There’s also the thing about how Tom Cruise’s character kills this dude in battle and then to make matters worse, steals off with his war victim’s woman. And his armor. Ouch. Oh, and also, there are a lot of people losing their heads in this movie, so if you’re weird about fake head rolling… this probably won’t be your first choice for your next movie night.

And that’s that. Steve gets to do the honors of reviewing Lean On Me next. So stay tuned. Morgan Freeman is off the heezie. And yes, I did just say that.

No thank you. I’m not really in the mood for porn today.

Lars and the Real Girl

I love this movie. It’s one of my favorites and I’ll tell you why in a minute. FIrst off I’m going to give a shout out to this blog’s sponsor. DISNEYLAND!! (they did not and do not sponsor us) We just got back from there and I wanted to make mention of them and also make known that we’ve been home for 4 hours and instead of taking a nice road trip nap, I’m writing a blog. GO BLOG!!

This movie is surprisingly heart warming. I had to put that in there for Brittany’s piece of mind. All silliness aside, it really is. When I heard about it the first time I thought that it could get really dirty very easily but seriously, I almost cried at a couple of points.

It’s about Lars, played by pretty Ryan Gosling (I don’t think he’s pretty but every female ever apparently does), a mild-mannered feller who has some… isms. He doesn’t interact with people very well. and doesn’t like people touching him.

One day he walks into work and this pig that he works with shows him this web site where you can order anatomically correct sex dolls. Red flag right? Wrong. He appears to think nothing of it. Next thing you know there’s an over-sized package being delivered to his house.

He doesn’t use it for its intended purpose per say. He does use it as a girlfriend but he doesn’t… “do” it. His brain created an entire background for her. when people bring up that it’s a doll and not a real person he ignores it like they didn’t even say anything. His sister-in-law is really supportive and goes along with it. In fact the whole town does because Lars is such a nice fellah.

Her name is Bianca and she makes a huge impact on the town. She gets a job as a mannequin, gets elected to the PTA and volunteers at church and stuff. She’s a real go-getter kind of girl.

Ryan Gosling has my respect for this role. He could have made it really goofy really easily but he took the part of Lars and made him super lovable. He’s nice, kind, gentlemanly and has a heart of pure gold. He’s also awkward around people. Some traumatic thing, I can’t remember specifically what, happened to him when he was a kid and he gets super standoffish. Ryan has everything down on this character, the mannerisms, the way he talks and how he interacts with Bianca.

I would recommend this movie to anyone and everyone. Seriously. Everyone should see this because aside from being a serious movie, it has its funny moments. This old lady at church at the beginning of the movie gives him a flower and tells him to give it to someone special and right after that the quirky cute, nerdy girl from the office he works at is standing right there. She says something to draw his attention and instead of giving her the flower he hucks it to the side and hurriedly says Hi. She says something else and he hurriedly says Okay bye.

It really is good. Watch it and love it. I did and look at me now! I can do all sorts of stuff all by myself!

Tune in next time for Brittany’s review of awesomeness! See you later whoever decides to read this.

You remind me of the babe.

The Labyrinth

This movie is a blast from my past like no other. When we were kids we would watch this all the time. I love it. I really do.

When we were kids we would sped the day after school with my grandma while my mom would work later shifts. This was not the most awesome situation but I know that it was one of the man sacrifices that my mom made because she loves us. While at grandma’s house we would always watch movies to pass the time. it made it easier on my grammers and made me gain a love for film that would never be satisfied. I will always love movies for this reason. one of the cinematic staples was this movie.

Jim Henson has had a huge impact on my life. Pretty much all of his films. Everything from the Muppets take Manhattan to the Muppets movie that just came out. They’re just good. family oriented and fun. This one was in what I think was his experimental phase. It’s a little bit (a lot a bit) dark and bizarre. I think that those oare a couple of the reasons that I like it as much as I do.

It stars a young and awkward Jennifer Connely. I know it’s hard to believe that Jennifer connely could have been awkward. She just seems to excreting grace and beauty wherever she goes. But it is true pubescent Jenny was not hot… or a good actress. She seriously sucked. David Bowie rounds out the cast as the villain, Jareth the goblin king. I liked him as a villain when I was a kid but now seeing it as an adult all I could see was uncomfortably form fitting pants. You can see everything in disgusting detail.

This is what it’s about. Jenny is a girl that is a brat and only has friends that can serve a purpose for her. If you’re useless then you can’t be her friend. She has to babysit her little baby brother and in her teenage angst she wishes for the goblin king to come take her bro away… right now.

Well he does take the baby. to the castle beyond the goblin city in the center of the labyrinth. She goes on her search to get him back. not because she loves him but because her dad will kill her if he comes home and the baby is gone.

She meets Hoggle. A dwarf with a bad attitude. Not to be confused with the one angry dwarf from the Ben Folds song. This fellah is just a terd. He shows her how to get into the labyrinth. She runs for a while and finds a worm that serves as a worthless GPS by sending her the wrong direction. She runs around and sees weird Jim Henson puppets and meets a large hairy beast named Ludo. He’s cool. He can’t speak in complete sentences but gets the point across.

Now things keep going on in this fashion for the whole movie until the end where she finally finds the Bowster in all of his tight panted glory and saves the day by saying 6 words. Who would’ve thought that that was all it took? She would have saved herself like 13 hours if she would have remembered those little words.

Anyway, it’s fun and I think that everyone whould watch it at least once before they die.

Next up is my review of Lars and the real Girl. yes it will be a different post. Deal with it!